10 Scary Signs of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner (Or Date)

Do you know the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner or date? I learned the hard way through The School of Unhealthy Relationship Hard Knocks. EUPs (emotionally unavailable people) show and tell us who they are. We just need to listen. Let they who hath ears hear what the EUP says.

Often, emotionally unavailable people provide clues that they’re Non-Committal Slippery Critters who are averse to emotional intimacy (they avoid progressing toward a committed relationship). They will do and say things that block the flow of intimacy because they can’t deal with that level of depth.

When we pay attention to the subtle (and not-so-subtle red flags), we can safeguard ourselves from unnecessary pain. Their emotional incapacity, emotional grey zone, and ambiguity will signal that they are a NO-GO for a long-term, well, anything (e.g., relationship, commitment).

You don’t want no part-time lover, but that’s what you get with a EUP. 

Relationships with unavailable lovers (men/women) can be downright frustrating. You’ll leave the relationship (or courtship) scratching your head in disbelief over the crazy-arsed Love Antics of these (not so) “special” people, relationships, and “siutationships.” 

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Sidebar: This is a Flashback post that’s been updated and refreshed.

(Wondering what a Flashback Post is? Click here to learn about Flashback and Flashforward Posts)

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Are We Under Some Sort of Unhealthy Relationship or Dating Curse?

For me, it seemed that I was The King of Jumping Heart First into poor relationship investments, for all the WRONG reasons, and with the WRONG people.

In 2008, back in New York City, after undergrad school, I started journaling about dealing with unavailable partners (dang, my age is showing). I have a figurative graveyard full of them; this used to be the bulk of my relationship experiences-filled with disappointment and failure.

In 2013 when I launched The Love Antics Blog (my former blog), essentially, it was my journal turned into content. That’s how this blogging thing got started.

I compiled five years of personal journals, eight in total, chronicling the unhealthy patterns, behaviors, situations, and men (often the same person, different package) that imprinted on me like some Unhealthy Relationship Curse (or so I thought). 

My relationship history had more patterns than a paisley tie (Chuckle). Eventually, I stepped back as a curious observer. I spotted common themes, signs, and sayings- the slick language they used. They would utter crafty things that would hook me into an unhealthy relationship paradise.

To be fair, I was a willing participant, and all it takes is two to tango. Because there was an active choice on my part, it logically followed that I was NOT under some curse doomed to “attract” EUPs.

I did need to wise up, pay attention, and stop being attracted to them. I was stubbornly ignoring the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner. NO BUENO!

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These EUP folk all seemed to want me so badly at first. Said another way, in the beginning, they were all uber charming. Essentially, they’d put on a “front” to get what they couldn’t have (when in hindsight, I wasn’t initially interested in them at all.) 

However, the more they chased me, I would second-guess my initial disinterest in them because the appeal of their intensity would override my good sense. 

My disinterest was always intuition screaming, “This person ain’t all that, something ain’t right, you need to keep it moving, Jay!”

(Remember: whenever “the chase” is present in the relationship or courting, it is prepping YOU or THEM to perform in the Love Olympics. Please don’t do it! You’ll get exhausted working hard for someone’s love.

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Throughout my seven years of experience as a blogger (you can read more about the history of my writing experience by clicking here), people have asked me this question many times:

How do You Prevent Yourself from Dating Someone Emotionally Unavailable?

The Real T (Truth) is that there isn’t a foolproof method. Sorry. The best we can do is to filter the inbox of our hearts to safeguard against being spammed by the EUP. 

One thing for me I believe is innate is the gift of discernment. It’s the ability to feel in your gut/spirit that “Somethin’ Just Ain’t Right.” But I haven’t always honored this voice.

It’s that small voice of wisdom whispering and helping us to spot when someone is inauthentic, regardless of their public presentation.

Sharpened discernment allows us to spot inauthentic people and relationships more quickly, thus minimizing unnecessary pain and drama. 

Unfortunately, we will bypass our wisdom when we don’t’ trust ourselves. 

Here’s the deal, no matter how emotionally healthy you become, emotionally unavailable people are sharks in the dating pool and are about self (Me. Me. Me.) Ergo, they will come for you and try their ISH anyway.

The best you can do is commit to trusting yourself in the situation (via listening to and sharpening your discernment). Once you recognize the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner, you can tell them to take a SCOOT. Don’t waste your time! 

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So, Why Do You Keep Ending up With Emotionally Unavailable People?

If you’re wondering, “Why do emotionally unavailable guys (or girls) still date me?” Well, it’s because we let them. Said another way, the door is wide open, but YOU CAN close it if you can spot the signs that they’re NOT emotionally available.

-Jacen J– Love and Life Antics-The Love and Life Blog

I used to trip over being an EUP magnet until I got wiser. I realized I needed to shore up my susceptibility to being hoodwinked by the emotionally inept.

Understanding what EUPs say, do, and think will help you leave them where they belong- FARAWAY from you!

NO! God is not punishing you by cursing you to a Life of No Love. Instead, he wants us to wise up and look for the indicators that we may be dating or involved with an emotionally unavailable person.

The following is a list of signs and sayings that my former EUPs have shown and said to me. They all showed me the signs. I went through it, so hopefully, by sharing these insights, you don’t have to (*sigh* Oh, the love lessons!).

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Beware of the 10 Confessions and Signs of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner

• 1. They say things like, “I have NO expectations, I like to keep things light, and just have fun” (meanwhile, you have been dating each other for a substantial amount of time, let’s say umm……for many years)

Translation: 

I have NO expectations because I do NOT want YOU to have any expectations of me. I DO NOT want to be responsible to you or anyone else- that would be burdensome. 

Things will NEVER get “too serious” between us. I will be sure of that. I equate you with “fun.” If you get carried away with your feelings and expectations, that’s YOUR choice. I WILL NOT accept any responsibility for this. I warned you! 

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• 2. They tell you, “I don’t want a relationship!” (But, string you along for some sex, a date, some more boning, a cuddle, a rub, kisses, etc.)

Translation: None needed here. This one is clear-cut. Yet some of us will stick around and try to win the “unavailable prize.” Beware! You are in the fight for your life. Tell them to scoot the heck on!

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• 3. They say, “I really like you, you’re great, but I am NOT sure what I want.”

Translation:  I really like you and think you’re great, but I am the type of person who is NOT sure about what I want or my needs. That would require me to make a decision and know who the heck I am. 

I see qualities in you that I fancy, but they are NOT ENOUGH to move me to define my relationship with you. You can stick around as a possible option with your “great qualities” if you want to wait and see what will happen. 

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• 4. They say, “I am not sure whether I want to be with a man or a woman.”

Translation: I’ve been dating you for a while but am unsure about my sexuality. I am confused and don’t want to make a solid decision. 

If you deal with me, it probably will be for “the moment.” I could switch it up on you anytime because I am confused. I’m uncertain about what I want. Since I am confused, YOU WILL BE confused about where we stand too. 

If they are Bi ( or whatever), they should be transparent about it. Then, you can decide if you can accept them for who they are and their “sexual fluidity.” 

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• 5. You notice their primary preference is for communication via text, email, instant messenger, etc., Although you have been dating for some time or are in a full-fledged relationship (and it’s a pattern).

The REAL meaning? One word, LAZY. Emotionally unavailable people are masters at the art of “keeping a safe distance” so you don’t “get TOO close .” They will manage how often, when, and how you communicate because they are dodging REAL intimacy and connection. 

Texts, emails, and the like, are great ways to slip someone you are dating or in a relationship with snippets of caring. When someone doesn’t want things to get “too serious,” these paltry forms of communication are the go-to. 

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• 6. You send a text, or they send one, you respond, but then they respond three hours later or even days (and it’s a pattern).

The REAL meaning? You are just not that important. I have too much going on, and I am “Busier than Beyoncé.” I will get to you when I get to you. I have other priorities which I deem MORE important (Insert: finger snaps).

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• 7. They use their career, work, family, friends, or any other “thing” as a lame excuse for an explanation of why they don’t spend time with you but claim to “like/love” you.

The Real meaning? These are all feeble excuses that EUPs love to toot around because they sound NOBLE and make them seem “special” and like a great asset to society). 

They create many barriers to intimacy; these walls are exhausting to break down. Many people are busy with “things” but still can maintain successful and healthy relationships because THEY WANT IT BAD ENOUGH. Point. Blank. Period.

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• 8. They have a shifty attitude about sex with you. 

The Real meaning? Either they dole the sex scantly at their leisure, or the entire relationship relies on sex-two extremes-another barrier that emotionally unavailable partners create. It’s all “damned if you do” or “damned if you don’t.” 

Sex DOES require two people two get a bit “personal.” If they are not “giving it,” they are trying to keep you at a safe distance, so you don’t have to connect emotionally through sex, and they are probably getting somewhere else anyway. 

On the flip side (*yawn*), if they’re “a sexual energizer bunny” and the boudoir is the only place where they seem to “connect” with you, they are also objectifying you. 

Relationships with “sexual healing” as the foundation are superficial. Orgasms are a dime a dozen. 

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• 9. They will IDEALIZE you in the beginning by claiming, “I can’t believe you are here with me,” “I never imagined you would show up,” “I can’t believe you want me,” or my absolute favorite, “You are my SOUL MATE.” 

The REAL Meaning? These folk have deep-rooted issues with perfectionism. 

Let me break it down, and “it goes a little something like this you’ll” (insert: Run DMC background track here)…they’ll idealize you initially and then hype you up with oodles of attention and adulation. 

You’ll feel like you are this “Oh so great” guy or girl just special enough to be adored by them. However, EUPs often live off their illusions about “the perfect” relationship/partner. 

The perfect partner doesn’t exist. People are living, and breathing, and have legitimate emotional needs (which we should FIRST be meeting for ourselves before we expect anyone else to meet and vice versa). 

The minute you show you’re a REAL person with REAL emotional needs that you’d like considered, you’ll be mistreated, made to feel like a burden, devalued, and discarded. 

They often want the high of love (i.e., sex, kissing, rubbing, intense moments of connection (read: drama), having ice cream, good convo, throwing around relationship titles, going out to eat, meeting friends and family, etc.,), but they don’t want the breathing person that comes along with a relationship.

For them to consistently care, respect, value, and cherish you would be a royal pain, and they are just not having that go down. They seek perfection in themselves and their partners, which I am sure you have experienced doesn’t end well for either you or them.

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• 10. The EUP has a polished public version of themselves. They present themselves well and say the right things but don’t back words with actions. Behind the scenes, they are a MESS; they have a hidden hindrance- a false-self percolating behind closed doors in its unhealthy glory.

The REAL Meaning? At first appearance, EUPs seem to have it all together. They may have great motivation for their career, the finest cars, and the most “popping” social life (or so it seems).

The list goes on with their “great qualities”- they have a great body, a charming persona, seemingly a God-fearing man/woman, God favors them, the ideal family guy/girl, have money, have a dope apartment, and the list goes on…………… 

Then you get involved with them, and you can’t figure out why these qualities don’t translate to their character and how they treat you (head scratch). 

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They’re truant with accountability in the relationship and are barely available for the one you both agreed on or, they seduce you with the hope of having.

They cheat and are deceitful about it (by withholding vital information).  

Then there are the secret sex liaisons and weird fetishes (which they don’t discuss with you). Ask me how I know. Chuckle– been there and done that- so over it!

Then, they break up with you and get involved with someone else immediately after your relationship ends (i.e., get someone else pregnant or they knee-jerk into a new relationship with a flashy side-piece). 

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With EUPs, there is a design flaw called My External (things I say) Will Not Match My Internal Character (the stuff I do)

Why? They aren’t interested in that level of depth, these people have issues with being AUTHENTIC. This is one of the many factors that limit their emotional availability.

They cannot provide you with a real relationship because when they say one thing and do another, they keep letting you down– the endless cycle of disappointment. 

What’s on offer from them is always unhealthy, half-assed, and filled with mega shade and broken promises.

It’s essential to trust your gut when you decide to brave up, put yourself out there in the dating world, and open your heart. Elevating your level of discernment is the best tool for nipping crappy relationship behavior in the bud. 

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Wrapping Things Up:

Eventually, doing our due diligence can lead to emotionally available, more fulfilling relationships built upon truth, authenticity, and hopefully the primary fruit of the spirit upon which all others rest- LOVE. You deserve it

EUPs, by default, won’t be available to your emotional needs. Save yourself and your mental health! You can scoot out of these unhealthy situations before they take root in your life.  

If you choose the emotionally unavailable partner, you will get a lovely dose of pain,  drama, and trauma; you’ll be licking your wounds like a lovesick puppy. It’s time for an EUP diet! What patterns or signs of an emotionally unavailable partner have you experienced? Do you have any related stories? Do tell and share.

Most importantly remember, no matter what you are going through, you are never alone!

Please share your thoughts, comments, and stories.

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