It’s unbelievably extraordinary what EUPs (Emotionally Unavailable Partners/Persons) will say to whomever they are involved in a relationship with to get what they want. “EUP speak” can slip right past your radar if you don’t open your eyes, see reality for reality, and master recognizing the signs of emotional unavailability.
You can do this by listening intently to what these people say before giving your heart in haste to the wrong person. Some of the statements and comments they make to the people they are dating make it quite evident that they are emotionally unavailable, shady, and shifty as frick!
However, some of their statements are subtle and not so obvious, leaving the real meaning for you to decipher. So, let’s get to work and save ourselves some heartache!
In the primer Love & Life Antics post, which was the best-performing post on my former blog, Love Antics, I honed in on the importance of cultivating discernment and safeguarding against getting your heart in too deep with shifty love interests.
In that post, I highlighted how to tell if someone is an emotionally unavailable partner or date. This post, which I’m calling “Part Deux,” will offer seven additional insights building from the first post.”
Desiring Unavailable People Without Knowledge Will Lead To Pain
You may persist even when it is painfully apparent that they aren’t THE ONE for you. For example, when they are direct and say, “I have no expectations” or “I can’t give you what you need,” you may be stubborn about accepting that reality. I know, I used to be too.
Rejecting this reality may lead you to stay in the relationship and attempt to “stake your claim” on a love that doesn’t exist. Doing this was my number one bad habit with my EUP relationships (Praise the Lord! Not anymore!).
You may persist even when it is painfully apparent that they aren’t THE ONE for you. For example, when they are direct and say, “I have no expectations” or “I can’t give you what you need,” you may be stubborn about accepting that reality. I know I used to be too.
Rejecting this reality may lead you to stay in the relationship and attempt to “stake your claim” on a love that doesn’t exist. Doing this was my number one bad relationship habit with my EUP relationships (Praise the Lord! Not anymore!).
In reality (if you choose to see it), the “love” is actually about their drama, your drama, their hidden agenda, and poor relationship habits, which both parties continue to engage in (despite the excruciating emotional pain and trauma that we claim to be in). Whitney Houston’s song “Why Does it Hurt So Bad?” comes to mind.
One of the keys to avoiding relationships with EUPs is to really pay attention (eyes and ears wide open) to what they say and do. An emotionally unavailable person will often give you clues to their real agenda.
You must commit to listening, watching their behavior, and gathering information. Then, you can make relationship decisions based on informed choice, wisdom, and insight instead of decisions based on your insecurities, fear of being alone, hormones, or private parts.
The 7 More Signs of Emotional Unavailability
In no particular order, here are more signs of emotional unavailability to look out for so you can avoid unnecessary pain, drama, and disappointment with folk who can’t love you back (although they may pretend to have the capacity to).
1. They say, “I miss you,” within a few weeks or months of dating or some ridiculously short amount of time.
The REAL Meaning:
The Real-T (Truth) here is that emotionally unavailable people are caught up in feelings without a solid foundation. Don’t think you’re “so special” that you will be different, and have the ill Na Na (think: Foxy Brown’s song) so dope that it will change them. It ain’t gonna happen! I guarantee that they have probably said this to hook and sink others.
Ladies and gents, be super careful with this one! When an EUP says, “I miss you,” it is often a slippery slope. You must ask yourself, “Why would someone say they miss me or confess such intense feelings so early in the relationship?
Commonly, in the beginning, stages of courtship with an EUP, they will often inappropriately bogart you with intense feelings and rush things so that you become hooked on how they feel about you. This can create a blind spot in the relationship, especially if you yourself are already janky with your relationship patterns and don’t know why you keep choosing unavailable people.
Yes, it feels good to hear that someone misses you. However, genuine feelings take time to develop (not weeks or months). Caution yourself against too much, too soon. There needs to be more time to get to know someone.
If they mention that they “miss” you early on, you must do due diligence and ask yourself, “Why are they rushing me and the relationship?” Slow them down! Also, slow yourself down and take your time, baby!
You will bypass this step, get hooked, and take the bait if you have a pattern of seeking external validation from unhealthy people. Then, you will find yourself overinvested with someone unavailable. Slow your roll!
2. Another sign of emotional unavailability is being chronically late and/or having a pattern of shifting or canceling plans with you.
The REAL Meaning:
The real meaning here is that you are not that important to them.
EUPs often use chronic lateness or cancellation of plans to set a specific tone for the relationship. This tone continually reinforces emotional unavailability by creating distance, lacking consistency, and managing down your expectations of them.
Remember, an EUP has a mission to avoid anything that resembles a long-term commitment or responsibility to someone. An avoidant attachment style plagues them.
When you are on time, it shows you care. Keeping plans demonstrates that things are a priority to someone. Chronic lateness sends the message that you don’t respect someone’s time.
A pattern of constantly canceling plans with you or changing them says that they have other things they consider more important than you. Don’t make excuses for them! Step back and spot this behavioral pattern because it’s one of the surefire signs of emotional unavailability.
Let’s say you allow someone to continue this behavior because you are trying to be “understanding and flexible” (but it annoys the frick out of you); you may remain silent about poor behavior. Doing this will inadvertently convey that it is okay for the person to interact with you this way.
If you don’t nip it in the bid but delay and choose to bring it up later, they will probably say, “But it’s always been this way. I don’t remember you saying anything before. Why are you being a nag?”
Accepting this kind of inconsiderate behavior will eventually lead you to take tolerance to The Outer Limits in the relationship (e.g., you will find yourself staying even in the most horrendous of circumstances because you allow poor behavior to occur from the jump-start).
3. When you have conversations with unavailable people about accountability, the exchanges have a circular motion and never get anywhere.
The REAL Meaning:
“I prefer not to define things because that would make me accountable and suggest I have some responsibility in my life and relationships.”
Another thing I’ve learned about EUPs is that their behavioral patterns stand out. Avoidance ingrains their speech, thoughts, and feelings like moths to a flame.
I remember dating an EUP who was unsure of their sexuality (which is totally fine if that is where they are). However, during our dialogue, it was glaring that they refused to use language to define that they were “questioning or unsure clearly.”
My conversation with this emotionally unavailable date went something like this (he started off by asking me if I had ever been with a female):
Them (EUP): “So, have you ever been with a girl?
Me: “No, I haven’t. Have you?”
Them (EUP): “Yes, I have.”
Me: “Okay, cool. So do you like both girls and guys? Do you prefer men or women?”
Them (EUP): “I have a thing for Latin men. I haven’t been with a girl for a while, but it depends on my mood.”
Me: “I see. So, are you saying that you are Bisexual?”
Them (EUP): “I am comfortable with my sexuality-the fact that I am a male.”
Me: “I see. Well, I was actually asking about your sexual orientation, not your gender identity. You said that you prefer Latin men and haven’t been with girls for a while, but it depends on your mood. So, I am asking if you are bisexual-sexually attracted to both males and females?”
Them (EUP): “It depends on my mood.”
Me: “Okay. So it seems as if you don’t like labels regarding your sexual orientation at the moment. That is fine, I understand. Are you saying, in other words, you are “questioning” or unsure about your sexual orientation at this time? I get it. Many people are uncomfortable with labels and are ‘questioning’ or uncertain about their sexual orientation.”
Them (EUP): “I wouldn’t say that’s accurate.”
Me: “Huh. Okay, Now I am confused.”
(I am also thinking, WTH, dude? You just said it depends on your mood, and you do like both male and female partners depending on your mood. The only other options are that you are either, Bisexual, questioning, or unsure. I would even take “Pansexual” for goodness’ sake.)
Sadly, the entire conversation was circular because EUPs sit in that grey area of ambivalence. They’re allergic to clarifying things as this would require that they accept responsibility for the position they take with things. Reminiscing, this EUP really worked my nerves! LOL.
4. An emotionally unavailable person will compartmentalize your relationship and refuse to fully integrate you into their social or family circle.
The REAL Meaning?
This person does not want to become overly invested in you or the relationship. If you are dating someone or in a relationship with someone, and you are introducing them to your friends and family, including them in your “circle,” but they still have yet to take the same steps with you, this equals a crimson red flag.
A reasonable level of compartmentalization is a necessary life skill. It is needed because it helps you manage your emotions and the daily life roles you may undertake (so that you can prevent yourself from becoming too overwhelmed). However, the key is that it is a REASONABLE level.
EUPs take it too far! They often silo different aspects of their life, and this behavior becomes like a hobby, so they do not become overly invested in any one part. If you’re all dressed up in love, start introducing them to your friends and family, but notice that they keep you at a distance from their social or family circle, they are doing this so that they DO NOT become too invested in you.
EUPs are very short-term thinkers. They usually are “in the moment” and fail at long-term thinking and reflecting on long-term outcomes (like them hurting you or leading you on due to their actions). Once they decide they have reached a threshold with you and the relationship, they can withdraw and pull out.
When they don’t include you in their social and family circle, they have lost nothing because their investment was low-risk with you. Dating someone like this becomes one of those unhealthy situations where you set the stakes high by overinvesting, and they underinvest by giving you little return on investment.
5. Sharing emotions to establish an emotional connection is one big ole’ exhausting chore.
The REAL Meaning:
EUPs struggle to identify and articulate their emotions and find it challenging to empathize with other people’s feelings. They cannot relate to you because they have NOT dealt with their unavailability issues, and you will have to pump and prime them to empathize with your feelings.
You will be doing all the emotional work, and taking on that burden will lead you to Co-dependency. Emotional unavailability takes on many forms. For some, emotional unavailability expresses itself as not doing enough in the relationship.
For others, it manifests as doing too much in the relationship. Some people are raised in this manner from childhood by their caregivers-it all they know.
Granted, it might not be someone’s fault that they were raised this way or had childhood experiences encouraging EUP tendencies. However, they are still responsible for addressing their emotional unavailability before dealing with you in a relationship.
Try to be objective about the dynamics in your relationships. Are you the one always expressing how you feel to them? Are you the one initiating this most of the time? Do they take the initiative to SHOW and TELL you how they feel first?
Do you have to get an Emotional Shovel and coax them to express their emotions to you? Do they like to keep their feelings bottled up inside? If any of these questions are true, count it as a yellow caution light.
If you find evidence that you are more expressive than they are, you should scale it down and keep the key to your heart in your hand (at least for now). Some people don’t like to be vulnerable. They prefer that you take the lead. Bump that and let em’ do some of the work!
6. When dating, someone emotionally unavailable will tend to pursue you with great gusto in the early phases; then, it suddenly fizzles out.
The REAL Meaning:
The Real-T (Truth) here is that they like “the chase” and the process of hunting something down.
In the beginning, you will be wined and dined. You will get all the phone calls and texts your little heart desires. They will ask to see you multiple times during the week. Heck! They may even pick you up from your job (mine always used to do this, and it would hook me in because it made me feel wanted).
They’re so into you that it causes your head to spin and your heart to skip. And then one day…WHAM! IT ALL STOPS. You wonder, “What happened? What did I do wrong?”
Psst, come closer; lean in. Here is a little secret, you did NOTHING wrong! The EUP is about dalliance and not about love or genuine interest. Instead, they are titillated by the psychological excitement they get from laying it on thick to get you hooked on them.
In this dynamic, they’ve focused so much attention on you. Also, it felt terrific to have someone shower you with attention. However, inevitably they will withdraw what they have given you. So, beware!
Often, it sets you up to work hard to get back what they were giving you in the first place. It’s twisted, right? Well, that’s emotional unavailability for you. It’s convoluted and exhausting for mental health.
7. You finally let your guard down to them and notice a sudden change in the relationship flow, often contributing to your anxiety.
The REAL Meaning:
They’ve accomplished their mission- to conquer a challenge and make you feel overly invested in them when they were less invested than they led you to believe.
For sure, all relationships have an ebb and flow. There will be times when life happens; unpredictable events may affect the frequency of communication in the relationship. However, we are talking about an unhealthy pattern here.
If you look at your relationships and have a knack for dealing with EUPs, you might notice that things start to change as soon as you let your guard down and express your feelings to them.
For instance, they may seem aloof all of a sudden. They say, “I will call you back in a few minutes,” yet it takes hours. You may confess you miss them and notice how now they make fewer plans to initiate seeing you. You wonder, “Why are they pulling away?”
Things start to die off because they’ve accomplished their mission to claim the territory of your heart ( with minimal effort). Some people enjoy how it feels to have a powerful effect on someone’s emotions and not give anything back in return. Sad but true.
Wrapping Things Up:
In closing, remember that it’s up to you to know yourself and trust your gut. Also, make sure you DON’T give your all. Save a piece of your heart for yourself to ensure you can pull out, let go, and keep your dignity intact without falling apart in devastation should the person turn out to be an EUP.
If you’re unsure if someone is emotionally unavailable, you can only educate yourself, be honest with yourself about your relationship history, and then do your best to spot the signs of emotional unavailability.
If you refrain from giving your heart to EUPs, you’ll be able to reserve it for someone emotionally available in a healthy relationship. Always remember that you deserve the best. Never settle for an imitation of love, no matter how fly you think he/she might be!
Hang in there! Always remember that you’re never alone!
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