Adversity IQ: How Will You Deal with Life Obstacles or Negative Feelings?

Life lessons keep appearing to test me as I attempt to refresh, renew, and restart my dreams of a significant career transition at 37 (i.e., rebooting the Love & Life Antics Blog, paving the way for a new career in SEO and digital marketing). Life keeps asking the vital question: “Jacen, how will you deal with life obstacles or negative feelings that you face?” 

Today, I am challenging you to consider this whopper of a question with me and learn to develop a life skill- what I like to call Adversity IQ™ (Intelligence Quotient).

For me, it’s becoming super evident that it’s not what we go through (e.g., the various trials and valleys) but how we go through our roadblocks- our attitude.

Also, our negative thoughts and beliefs about our misfortunes determine how we feel about them. If we want long-term solutions, we can’t just point the finger at Him, Her, It, or Them as the cause of our emotional state.

The Ph.D. of Life will often roll out those pesky life and love tests as a litmus to assess if we have discovered the tools to effectively deal with the brick walls we can encounter when pursuing our relationship, life, and career goals.

This is the Real-T (Truth) we will hit on today in this LALA (Love & Life Antics) Blog post. If you are from The Intellectual Camp like me (LoL), this post will be right up your alley. 

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(Side Note: This is a Flashforward Post)

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Answering the Call to Deal with the Discomfort of Your Problems

Will we run, hide, or confront with courage what brings discomfort? Our answers to these questions will determine if we reach our next peak (i.e., our successes great or small) or sink into a deeper valley of despair. 

Perhaps you are stuck because you keep hanging on to an EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner or Unavailable Person). Or, maybe the problem you have is sticking it out too long in unhealthy situations (that you know you need to let go of). 

It can be challenging to accept certain truths when you are in the thralls of pain from dealing with an EUP (forced to learn those important life lessons on love) or going through some other earthly trial (a toxic job) that is giving you the business of difficulty. 

The Real-T (Truth) that can set us free is, wait for it……… 

You can choose whether you become immobilized or consumed by your challenges and negative emotions or if you use your power to self-regulate them.

In other words, we can choose if we will “handle up on” our adversity. With some work, we can use our God-given innate power to overcome whatever fiery trial we face.

How Will You Deal with Life Obstacles or Negative Feelings? You Can Overcome them by Increasing Your Adversity IQ™

But how do we do this? How do we move through our obstacles and get unstuck?

For starters, you must increase your emotional intelligence and awareness. That is, you have Emotional Options when facing challenges. This, my dear friends, is what I like to call our Adversity IQ (AIQ)™

What is Adversity IQ?

AIQ™ is the level of insight, knowledge, and understanding of your power to choose the feelings you experience about your problems. It’s a life skill needed when you face tribulations that hit you like an Amtrak Acela train (at warp speed) ¹.

You can approach struggles from a different vantage point when you see through this lens. You begin to see that the difficulties are only tests asking you, “My Sister, my brother, how will you deal with life obstacles or negative feelings when they arise in your life?”  We don’t need to treat our trials as death sentences. We have options.

A more productive approach is to utilize our difficult emotions and the problems that we often blame others for as stepping stones (by embracing them as signals showing us what we desire in life and then taking action steps toward making changes in our life).

When you develop this coping skill, you realize that often what you are going through is not The Catastrophic End of The World ™ (although initially, it may seem so).

Leveling up this skill means accepting that we are not powerless to overcome and cope with discomfort in life- breakups, heartbreak, rejection, pain, job transitions, loss, or whatever the issue is.

It is a philosophical shift with the mantra echoing, “I can, have been, and will continue to survive and overcome!” (Cue music: Gloria Gaynor background music track).

Also, it reinforces that you don’t have to be a prisoner to your unpleasant feelings. We can be empowered to confront, acknowledge, and deal with them rather than avoid them. And, who knows? Maybe even learn to enjoy life (e.g., by focusing on our hobbies, other passions, and interests) while we work on some solutions to our problems).

Once we brave up, we can choose healthy negative emotions (HNEs) and surrender our unhealthy negative emotions (UNEs). This philosophy originates from the great work of American REBT Psychologist Albert Ellis (I will break this down later in the post. I will also share my training, knowledge, and exposure to REBT, which is a fantastic coping tool anyone can use to overcome roadblocks in life).

But we can’t do this if we don’t understand that unhealthy negative feelings are a form of internal adversity. Often, they are self-imposed and formulated from our entrenched attitudes and beliefs about our reality as it exists.  Yes, circumstances can contribute to our feelings and “stir the pot,” but it’s about our mindset here.

When we fail to have an attitude of acceptance about the axiomatic cards we’ve been dealt in life (our current reality), this is the trigger point of our emotional disturbances.

It’s an inside job. External circumstances are only contributing factors to our unhappiness, not causal factors. Taking this a step further is the well-accepted proverb that you can only control your responses to what is happening to you (external events).

Adversity IQ Is NOT Adversity Quotient

Adversity Quotient ² is a term coined by Paul Stolz, which refers to a score measuring a person’s ability to deal with life adversity. It focuses on predicting one’s ability to overcome barriers to success. 

Instead, I’m proposing something theoretically different with Adversity IQ (AIQ) – a measure of our knowledge and acceptance that we can significantly influence our emotions about our hardships. 

Furthermore, it’s also a measure of our acceptance of reality as we face it and that we have the emotional responsibility to choose how we feel about our obstacles. 

I’m suggesting that the AIQ approach to overcoming problems is slightly more sophisticated because it emphasizes our ability to choose our emotions and how we feel about what we are going through. 

Additionally, our feelings are predictors of human behavior-the mediating factor being our thoughts which influence our affective experience.

The 3 Ways to Increase Your Adversity IQ

1. Recognize that not all negative emotions are created equal 
   • We can feel two kinds of negative emotions about what happens to us- unhealthy or healthy. The latter is productive, and the former is self-defeating to our success because they impede progress toward our goal to overcome the problem. We can decrease our self-imposed emotional disturbance when we learn to distinguish this.

2. Accept that people and circumstances DON’T CAUSE our feelings but ONLY CONTRIBUTE to our feelings about the problem. Our unhealthy negative thoughts about the person or situation trip our emotional responses. Correlation doesn’t equal causation.

3. Realize that since we can choose how we feel, we can also set new healthy emotional goals.

When I recall the EUPs who couldn’t love me back, the painful pangs of dealing with emotionally unavailable friends, and the abuse of power from narcissistic bosses that crossed my path at work, I wish I had tapped into this skill sooner.

If I had, my mind and heart wouldn’t have wasted so much time choosing to be devasted by the crazy antics of difficult people.

If our goal is to “get over him or her,” muster up the courage to prepare to leave situations that we know are unhealthy, stop settling for less than we deserve, or stop putting people on pedestals (allowing them too much power over us), then we would do well to get a “one-up” on our struggles by choosing how we feel about these obstacles.  

You Have the Power to Choose the Kind of Negative Emotions You Experience About Problems

Unfortunately, sometimes we make the poor but comfortable choice to become stuck in our negative feelings like a top-quality bottle of Gorilla adhesive glue.

Ya’ dig me? If you’ve never used it, once you apply Gorilla glue, it adheres to the surface or object of repair with all its chemical might.

We often do this with our challenges when we harangue ourselves to infinity about our issues and remain stagnant smelling as we’ve bathed in the Resistance to Changing our Unhealthy Patterns Swamp (chuckle).  Obsession and harping on issues are signals we are experiencing unhealthy negative emotions versus healthy ones.

I remember once upon a time, this was once my downfall.  For example, I would continue to take an Ex-EUP back despite being dogged out and disrespected, cheated on, taken advantage of, etc.  Or, to the other extreme, I would continue to blame myself for other people’s messed up behavior in friendships, at work, or in my family circle.

In all fairness, I was a willing participant. I stubbornly refused to accept that the ball was in my court about how the pain I was experiencing would play out.  I had the choice to stop it, begin healing it, change my thought patterns, or keep picking at the Unavailable Partner Wound.

Initially, I felt powerless to control my feelings and couldn’t find my way out of the Unhealthy Relationship Obstacle Course. I did not want to accept responsibility for the emotions I chose to let rule my heart. It took me some time. 

Sidenote: At 37 years old, I know I have a stubborn streak- in some areas, that serves me. In others, well, let’s say, work in progress.

On the flip side, we can also choose to move through our adversities for growth’s sake. Assuming this position puts us in problem-solving mode instead of allowing “The Struggle” to cut us down in devastation. 

Making the choice to embrace emotional responsibility determines how we will deal with life obstacles or negative feelings when they arise (i.e., deal with or avoid them).

My Personal Revelation About Coping with Negative Feelings

In 2019, I had another awakening about how I approached my problems. I had to embrace the undeniable acceptance that people and circumstances don’t cause our emotions, but our beliefs about our challenges create our mental and emotional anguish.

I began to learn and study REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) theory, formed by the late and arguably one of the greatest fathers of CBT- world-renowned American Psychologist Albert Ellis ³.

After I attended a professional REBT counseling workshop in 2020, the president of the Albert Ellis Institute commented that he saw a natural knack in me for the classical REBT approach, which reminded him of Ellis’ REBT classical approach (a dope and humbling compliment in my book).

He kindly offered me a gratis scholarship to further learn and gain knowledge about REBT, and he opened the door for me to pursue an Advance Certificate in REBT with the Albert Ellis Institute. Big-ups to all of the REBT experts at the Ellis institute for being generous with their skills and knowledge.

In July 2021 (attending was postponed for one year due to COVID), I received my certificate for completing the advanced REBT training in Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy principles and practice. 

I, by no means, am an REBT expert or licensed REBT therapist. Still, its philosophy and theory are one I’ve come to love, learn, study, and apply as much as possible, especially during this season of another significant transition in my life.

REBT is a philosophy that is dear to my heart. Also applying it has also saved me a great deal of drama because I’ve learned to stop blaming external events and others for “making” me feel my emotions or life stress (but don’t get it twisted, I still recognize when others have their part, but now I quickly see mine so I can make adjustments in the way I move with folk- for my benefit).

The ideas I express in this post and the two categories of negative emotions we can experience (which we will explore) originate from Ellis’ groundbreaking developments with REBT theory.

It’s my interpretation of his theory as it applies to this idea of developing our Adversity IQ (AIQ), which I believe provides a fresh, unique perspective- my stamp on it.

I want to share with you a little secret I learned that helped me gain some mental health and freedom. Here it is…

The Secret to Overcoming Roadblocks Lies in Addressing our Negative Thoughts and Then Feelings about the Problem

In short, Ellis’ REBT follows an A-B-C-D-E model of challenges we face. It posits that our irrational beliefs (B’s) about our problems and people (A’s) lead to our emotional and behavioral disturbances (C’s).

When we are all hyped up emotionally, it’s not just negative thoughts we have about the person or event that is happening. It’s deeper. It’s deeply entrenched irrational cognitive schemas that we have erupted.

Ellis called these “hot cognitions”  ( as cited in David, 2021, p.2) ^4, which are appraisals and evaluations (i.e., ratings about life and the world as it happens to us).

Once we understand this, we can equip ourselves with the tools to challenge and dispute (D’s) the rigid thoughts and attitudes we hold about the A’s (our problems).

Then, we can choose new healthy alternative emotions, behaviors, and beliefs (E’s) to replace the dysfunctional ones. Furthermore, Albert Ellis highlighted that there are functional versus dysfunctional negative emotions– and this insight is the focus of this post.

Two Types of Negative Emotions: Unhealthy vs. Healthy

Negative emotions are real feelings. However, if we don’t have the coping skills to self-regulate them, they can become unhealthy and high-jack our mental health and self-confidence.

The consequence of this will snowball and lead to us thinking and behaving in irrational and regretful ways. When this is the outcome of our feelings, they manifest as self-defeating instead of them being beneficial to our growth.

What are Unhealthy Negative Emotions (UNEs)?

Ellis held to the idea that unhealthy negative emotions (UNEs-his coinage) are dysfunctional in that they become consuming and block our goals. They keep us stuck on the problem and consume us to the point that we are so distressed we can’t explore a solution-minded approach to overcoming the hard times we face.

For example, obsessing about why someone emotionally unavailable can’t and won’t love you back in a relationship. Or, how about fixating on why things didn’t work out with them? And, of course, you can rack your brain about they can’t be decent enough not to string you along and mislead you. Or, maybe it’s a Narc jerk boss you’re dealing with in the workplace who abuses their power and devalues you.

A Real-Life Example: Unhealthy Guilty Feelings Vs. Healthy Feelings of Disappointment

At the height of blogging on Love Antics (my former blog that was live from 2013-2018), I received an email from a reader who shared her guilt about not wishing her Ex a happy birthday after she was mistreated to the ends of the earth by this person. We will call her Chaney to protect her identity. 

Here is her email to me:

“So, my Ex’s Birthday is tomorrow, and I recently blocked her from my phone. I feel guilty that I’m not even wishing her a HBD (happy birthday) and thought about unblocking her to see if she would reach out. I know I need to let go, but it’s times like this when I struggle…I feel like I am missing out on something… I can’t wait until Monday when her birthday is over.”

-Chaney

Here is why I contend that her feelings of guilt are unhealthy. She feels guilty about someone that mistreated her, which almost drove her to reconnect with someone not worth a peso. Logically, they need to be kept at a safe distance for a good reason. 

Chaney’s overall goal was to let this person go, but this emotion of “guilt” is blocking her from the goal of letting go. 

Also, the guilt accompanies the thought of “missing out on something,” which high-jacks her peace of mind about the healthy decision she made to scoot them out of her life. Yes, she is missing out on something- a relationship where she got mistreated. No love loss there! 

Further to the point, it’s a waste of time to wonder if an emotionally unavailable man or woman will miss us or the relationship now that we’re gone.

Suppose the feelings you’re experiencing about a problem, like Chaney, have you all jacked up, doubting yourself, your decisions, messing with your sanity, etc.,

Then Bingo! In that case, this is a tell-tale sign you are grappling with unhealthy negative emotions (because the stress robs your peace of mind). It’s time to switch gears and choose a different way to feel.

What are Healthy Negative Emotions (HNEs)?

Healthy negative emotions (HNEs) are complex but functional in that you feel them but can still get on about your life. Although they are unpleasant, they are not incapacitating.

Real-T (Truth)- we can’t feel all positive and twirl through the Meadows of Jubilee all the time. We have to experience some emotional discomfort before we get to the good happy-clappy emotions.

It’s the difference between breaking up with someone and being devastated-beating yourself up and giving you grief about it not working out. This is versus being disappointed about the relationship’s failure (accepting the loss and feeling bad) but still getting on with your life and having some enjoyment (despite them). 

Using the above example of the reader Chaney, a healthy negative emotion she alternatively could have felt was disappointment or sadness (healthy negative emotions) instead of guilt. 

Disappointment and sadness would still be uncomfortable emotions to feel. Still, unlike the guilt, healthy disappointment would not drive her to the self-defeating behavior of unblocking her phone number to re-establish a connection with someone she knows is unhealthy for her. 

Instead, she could have chosen to be sad about the relationship’s failure and pumped her breaks right there, not allowing her emotional reaction to overtake her, earnestly waiting for the day to be over because it was her Ex’s birthday (insert: my compassionate eye-roll here. Life is too short to be speeding up your days for someone who can’t treat you right).

If you are struggling to get over an unhealthy relationship or just dealing with difficult people frying your nerves, I want to share some more powerful tips.

Healthy Negative Feelings Have Value for Our Personal Growth

Healthy Negative Emotions (HNEs) are instrumental to our growth. Our ability to experience them, and learn to tolerate their discomfort without falling apart, is a sign of being emotionally available. 

When you experience a healthy negative emotion, yes, you feel bad when there are roadblocks to achieving your desires or preferences, but you don’t feel awful about it and then forcefully demand a different reality than what’s in front of you.

This is another hidden pathway to becoming emotionally available – the courage to feel what’s uncomfortable, have a good cathartic cry about our woes, and then courageously press on. HNEs give us a reason to never give up on our dreams and goals. This category of feelings doesn’t get in the way; they pave the way to our success.

The value of HNEs is that they challenge us to bear discomfort and acknowledge The Misfortune, The Disappointment, The Unfairness, The Disrespect, etc. Still, they don’t lead to immobilization, obsession, or damage to the Self or others. 

Instead, they still leave the door open for us to use our healthy coping and problem-solving skills during rough times. Because we are not overtaken by the negative emotion, we’ll have a clearer head. With a clear mind, we can work (over time) on positioning ourselves in jobs and relationships that actually value us as people.

3 Basic principles of Overcoming Life and Relationship Obstacles (REBT Style)

1. People or circumstances (e.g., emotionally unavailable partners, demanding bosses/co-workers at work, the people in life who disrespect you) do not “make” you feel your emotions
   • It’s oh-so-tempting to buy into the idea that “him, her, or it” is the cause of our emotional state. However, this is a mental booby trap. Half of the battle is accepting that it’s not the triggering event itself that is “making” us feel our feelings. 
   • For example, when breaking up with an EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Person) or coping with the dread of a soul-sucking toxic work environment, it’s easy to blame and focus on the pain they are causing you. ( sidebar: hopefully, we are strategically, patiently, and carefully planning our exit and can find what makes us happy). 
   • Take some power back and remember that our deeply ingrained thoughts and beliefs about what is happening to us are the mediating factors in our emotional reactions-whether, positive or negative.
   • When we realize this, we now have two powerful tools at our disposal -self-agency and the power to choose our thoughts and the feelings we hold about things.

2. The non-acceptance of your reality is creating emotional turmoil
   • If we forcefully insist that things MUST NOT be the way they are, we demand that a different reality exist and give ourselves a hard time. When we do this, we are rigidly declaring that people or life “absolutely 100% has to be this way or that way!” We are essentially forcing square pegs into round holes – they can’t possibly fit because it’s geometrically impossible.

3. When possible, aim for the emotional solution to your problems first before convincing yourself that circumstances and people have to change for you to “be good.”
   • Now, this does not apply to extreme outright situations of abuse or trauma when your safety is at risk. Seek help and get out. However, our life is often not in immediate danger (but it may feel like it is). 
   • Frequently, we would rather the situation change before we learn to feel different about our struggles. In the long-term, this is problematic because some of the trials and difficulties we encounter in life last longer than we’d like them to. 
   • However, we can learn to overcome and “get through” if we make the decision to bear the discomfort we feel about the “bad” happening to us. The emotional solution is choosing a healthy negative emotion that doesn’t stunt our growth. 

Wrapping Things Up:

No matter what you’re going through, whether it’s letting go of an emotionally unavailable partner, accepting that you’re good enough, learning not to settle, managing a toxic work environment, transitioning careers because it’s time for a change (I’m talking to myself), or preparing to leave an unhealthy relationship, never forget that you have the power to make your own decisions about how you feel about what is happening.

You can view your emotions in a new light by increasing your Adversity IQ (AIQ)™ – recognizing that you can still feel bad, but you don’t have to fall apart, at the seams, because of the challenges and problems knocking at your door.  

After you accept your reality, you can choose how you feel about that reality. So, I challenge you with the question, “How will you deal with life obstacles or negative feelings in your life?”

Will you allow the negativity to consume you?

Or will you use your Adversity IQ to steer the ship of your emotional wellness?

You decide.

What unhealthy emotions are keeping you stuck in the mire? Isn’t it time you learn to feel without being overcome by the challenges and negative feelings you’re experiencing?

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References:

1. Acela. (2022, October 7). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acela
2. Adversity quotient. (2022, February 3). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adversity_quotient
3. Albert Ellis. (2022, October 5). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Albert_Ellis
4. David, D. REBT in the Context of Modern Psychological Research. Retrieved June 14, 2021, from https://albertellis.org/rebt-in-the-context-of-modern-psychological-research/