Magic Question: Does An Emotionally Unavailable Man Miss You?

So, you’re asking, Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Miss You? If you were involved with a EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner) or are still dipping in the EUP pond, it’s easy to fixate on their absence and rack your brain about this question. 

We can especially obsess to the high heavens over this when things don’t work out with them, leaving us insecure and wondering if we even mattered a teeny smidge to this person.

(Sidebar: This is a Flashback Post updated and freshened. Read more about the content structure of Love and Life Antics blog content.

I, too, used to allow myself to get bitten by the bug of Relationship Reminiscing-recalling, rethinking, replaying, and longing for some answers if my EUPs missed me. 

When I had My Relationship Aha Moment ™, which occurred with Mr. SMS (Soul Mate Speech-more on that later), I gained valuable insights into why we fret about this question. This pivotal moment added to my list of life lessons learned about love and relationships.

I learned that when they miss you, it’s not a compliment but a symptom of more significant problems- their problems with maintaining healthy emotional intimacy. 

The fact that we can even acknowledge that someone is a EUP, EUM, or EUW (emotionally unavailable man or woman) means that they demonstrate clear signs that they’re incapable of being emotionally available to our needs. 

Furthermore, they are probably treating you like a grave pain in the arse for having any needs at all. Yes, you will be perceived as Needy Nancy in dealing with this kind of person.  

Focusing on if an EUP Misses You Can Be a Monumental Waste of Time

Contemplating the question of whether they miss us comes down to external validation. It’s like shaking a Magic Eightball Toy in anticipation, asking for a Yes or No to our query (remember those back in the day?).  

When the Magic Eightball toys were on the market (created by Mattell, Inc.), everyone knew the toy was entertainment and nothing to take seriously. If you wanted to get some laughs, you’d propose a random question, then shake away. 

We all knew there was a 50/50 chance of a Yes or a No answer (and many other random responses to your query), never mind the answer that it provided not being remotely accurate or essential for meaningful life decision making for that matter. 

Asking yourself if an emotionally unavailable man has meaningful regard for you, even after they most likely mistreated you, is like consulting the Magic Eightball toy- ridiculously inaccurate and a poor barometer to measure how much you really matter to them.  

We often want a stamp of approval that he/she wasn’t a complete jerk when they mistreated us, or that they were just going through a rough time, and are now suddenly ready for a serious relationship this time around.

They’re not, trust me! We need to stop wasting our time justifying our reasons for gravitating toward distant partners who aren’t worth it.

Reflecting on Your Relationship With an EUM

I’ve often pinned down the rabbit hole looking for validation about whether an EUP (or EUM) is missing me. This is probably not what you want to hear. Still, I will say it anyway because I know you are dying to find out if he misses you. I won’t leave you hanging. 

So, here it goes…

The next time you find yourself pondering the answer to the question, “does an emotionally unavailable man miss you?” please consider this: 

Yes, he can miss you, and probably does to a small or large degree, depending on certain factors. However, he will usually miss you for all the WRONG reasons. 

Unavailable men have motivations for “missing” you that are far more about themselves and their insecurities and much less about the good catch you are. Furthermore, they miss you, but it’s not enough for them to make worthwhile changes for your relationship to succeed. 

-Jacen J– Love and Life Antics-The Love and Life Blog

They live on an island called ME, ME, ME. You must see the bigger picture and not allow your insecurities to override your good sense. It’s all about them. 

So, What’s The Real Answer? Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Miss You? 

Another response to this query is that it depends on many factors if he misses you- that’s the reality! Although the list below is not exhaustive, these are some conditions observed from my experience that can determine the level of longing an EUP will have for you when you are gone or things come to a finale with them, and then they go ghost on you. 

4 Factors That Can Influence if Someone Emotionally Unavailable Will Miss You: 

1. It depends on the length of time they invested with you.
   • The longer time you were together, the more likely they will miss you
2. It depends on how they perceived the length of time invested.
   • For example, if he perceived it as a serious relationship versus just a past-time. If they viewed it seriously, the greater likelihood they’ll be some missing you going on.
3. It depends on if you were the primary initiator of communication and connection in the relationship.
   • Suppose you were the primary party initiating your dating plans, texting, speaking on the phone, or initiating sex. In that case, you were sadly doing the bulk of the relationship work, and when he’s gone, he will be less inclined to miss you to the point where it matters enough to him. 
4. It depends on if they ended the relationship first or if you beat them to the chase and cut it off.
   • Remember, EUPs often have supreme issues with control. If you did the dumping, they would feel out of control, miss you, and maybe even come running back (this happened to me with Mr. SMS). 
   • However, it’s only because they’re out of their element when we initiate the breakup. Taking action to end things gives us power; when they don’t have that power, they are lost. If they suddenly reappear, it’s not because they truly value you as a person. It’s all about the loss of control they feel over the situation.

Understanding Why an Ex-EUP Comes Back

EUPs have a flawed love template. Said another way, their perceptions about love and how they experience their feelings about love are pretty distorted-the wires are crossed like a tripped circuit breaker box. When he misses you, his modus operandi will be twisted, and the reasons really foggy. 

Let me explain by breaking it down. I’ll share what I learned during one of my Relationship Aha Moments™ with Mr. SMS (Soul Mate Speech).

Flashback Reflections of My Relationship Aha Moment: 

It was my umpteenth breakup with Mr. SMS. The fourth one, I believe. Oh, what the heck? I’ll be generous and round up to five. Lord knows our relationship was like a nasty rash that kept coming back.

All I could think about was wanting to know the answer to the question, “Does an emotionally unavailable man miss you when the relationship ends?” 

It had been about 2 months since he disappeared, and we ended it. I recall the scene vividly. It was a Wednesday at 1am.

I was lying in bed, in tears, obsessing about our last showdown and wondering, “Does he miss me?” I was even secretly spying and trolling him on social media (SMH) for some form of validation.  

I remember playing the song “Until It’s Gone” by Monica on my phone, it echoed the opening lyric, “It’s a shame you ain’t want it when you had it.”  

I was emotionally charged up thinking about the mistreatment, yet also looking for signs that I actually mattered. I was entrenched in my cognitive dissonance.

Although I knew he was an emotionally unavailable person, If he came back, that would mean he truly misses me. Right? 

For me, the ultimate validation would be him coming back and the one thing that would prove that spending time together was not in vain and that what we had was actually a serious relationship.

Boy, was I wrong!

Pay attention to what an emotionally unavailable man says when he comes back missing you after days, months, or even years

As I lay awake in tears and Monica’s song played on repeat, it was like I sent out signals to the Unhealthy Relationship Spirits, and after about 2 months, my phone suddenly started ringing. 

Guess Who? Mr. SMS decided to show up at my apartment and asked me to come downstairs at 1am (not considering I may have been sleeping). He returned with roses, a speech, and in hindsight, a bunch of malarkey.  

He explained that he misses me and realized that he “thinks” I am “the one,” his soul mate, and doesn’t want to be alone for the rest of his life and make a mistake. 

I then realized he missed me, but his strong feelings were not about missing who I was as a person. His primary concern was managing his own anxiety and fears about the reality of who he was-incapable of a stable emotional connection.  

Said another way, the driving force for him returning to me was not because he valued me or the relationship; it was fear of him being alone. 

When EUPs miss you, it’s mostly about their inability to deal with themselves. 

-Jacen J- Love and Life Antics-The Love and Life Blog

Let’s shift focus a bit, from them to us. Perhaps, more importantly, we need to ask ourselves why the frick we even care about someone who didn’t value us in the first place, when they had us. 

Obviously, you can recognize that you’re dealing with someone unavailable. So, you can also logically conclude that the “love” they are offering you will be hard to attain and thus unhealthy (not freely given). 

Essentially, you’re barking up the wrong tree. This rolls into my next point relatively smoothly. 

If He Was An Emotionally Unavailable Man, It was Not Healthy Love, So Why Do You Even Care if He Misses You When He’s Gone?

When we worry about someone missing us who is emotionally distant and not able to offer us available, healthy love, we are clearly still having a hard time letting go.

Believe it or not, not all relationships last forever. Sometimes, even in a healthy relationship, you actually part ways with your lover, on amicable terms, in a peaceful resolution, and both of you can let go with minimal pain/drama (although it will always sting to let go).  

In general, these are what healthy relationships look like when they end. 

However, this is NOT what you are dealing with. They are an EUP. The big difference is that if he’s an emotionally unavailable man, then it’s not the healthy kind of love. 

Why would you want a relationship that’s colored with emotional unavailability? 

Relationships with EUPs are sometimes hard to let go of because they tap into unhealed parts of our inner being (i.e., we avoid painful truths about ourselves).

There’s a myriad of excuses we tell ourselves that keep us stuck, wondering if they’re concerned about the fact that they are losing out on us. 

Below are some excuses I’ve made (and those friends). The end product is us wasting time focusing on reasons to care about unhealthy people and situations.  

5 Excuses We Make About Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

1. Length of time you were involved and/or lived together
   • If you were involved with someone for what you consider to be a significant quantity of time (e.g., years), you may convince yourself that because you’ve by now spent “oh so much time” with them, this should somehow indicate that they are “The One.” 
   • Real T (Truth) Reflections:
     • Yes, a strong attachment may indeed develop over time. However, when we don’t deal with why it didn’t work (maybe it was just meant to teach us some love/life lessons we’ve been stubbornly ignoring), we can develop an affinity for unhealthy and unhealthful things. 
     • Ergo, we return to an ex for another whirl on the Unhealthy Relationship Rollercoaster. Make sure you do not mistake quantity of time for quality of a relationship and then use it as an excuse to return to the old ways.
     • If it hasn’t worked after years of “trying,” it may be time for you to move on and let them do the same. Tough pill!

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2. Attributing reuniting with an Ex as God’s blessing by telling yourself and others,“Oh, but God brought us back together after such a long time” (or even a short time). “This time will be different because the stars are aligned.”
   • Once upon a time, to my heart’s dismay, I heard of this one excuse before from a friend. It is interesting how we will attribute certain things in life to “God” and leave other things out.
   • Real T (Truth) Reflections:
     • If we recognize that God can bring people back together, we must remember that God separates people for a reason too. If you have a problem with being alone and comfortable in your own skin, you will have issues accepting this truth (I know I did at first).  
     • Sometimes when we are not dealing with our unchecked issues (e.g., viewing being single as a disease- unable to take a chill pill from dating/sexing/being on the prowl), we will go back to what causes us pain. 
     • Then, we will attribute our decision to return to the mess as God’s “blessing.” IT IS NOT! This is faulty perception at its finest. It keeps us in a fantasy land and in a fantasy relationship. We deserve better!

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3. Both of you have “strong feelings”, so this must indicate it must be love and that they are “The One.”
   • Strong feelings are just that, intense feelings. Sure, it may be love. The question to ask is, is it healthy vs. unhealthy love? 
   • Real T (Truth) Reflections:
     • The presence of “strong feelings” can also exist for the wrong reasons. If your “love template” and backstory contain many dysfunctional messages about relationships, then being in certain kinds of complicated relationships that are high drama will look very appealing to you. 
   • Examples of high-drama relationships that become appealing when we have an unhealthy love template are: 
     • a. staying and trying to make it work when one or both of you has cheated
     • b. starting a relationship off with sex and then trying to lock them down into a serious relationship with you.
     • c. staying even though there is the presence of physical/emotional abuse
     • d. choosing someone emotionally unavailable to meet your needs
     • e. choosing someone who wants to have multiple partners. Then, getting them to choose you and make you “the one” (a.k.a. winning the prize of love)
   • Sometimes we need to recheck those “strong feelings” and get REAL before we make a poor decision to take them back, even if they say they miss you. 

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4. Telling yourself, “It has been so long, I have grown, they have grown, it will be better.”
   • Oh boy! This is where a lot of us get into MUCHO trouble. Sure, maybe you have grown. Sure, perhaps you have really been doing some good soul-work on yourself and working on becoming a more emotionally available person. BRAVA! This will take you far in life.  
   • Real T (Truth) Reflections:
     • Don’t assume that because you have done all this growing, your EX or whoever has done the same. Because they are an emotionally unavailable person, trust and believe me that they have been using their time away from you not to deal with but rather to avoid their issues. 
     • Once the honeymoon phase is over, you will find the same issues resurfacing if you break up and take them back. It’ll be like another tired 14th season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta franchise, you will see what I am talking about- In 14 years, very few healthy changes with those ladies and the same ole’ drama. I think you get the idea.

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5. Using the fact that they said “I miss you” or that you miss them as a green light to go back to them or take them back
   • Before traveling down this road of excuses, one crucial thing to ask yourself is, “How did I treat myself while I was away from them?” If, while you parted ways, one or both of you did not really learn how to be alone and deal with your issues, you will miss someone for the wrong reasons and then make excuses as to why you should return.
   • Real T (Truth) Reflections:
     • If you (or they) still kept hopping from partner to partner while you were away from each other (sexing/dating-using other people to ease the feeling of loneliness), neither of you is ready. Period! I’ve done this in the past and woke up. 
     • Consider this, if you were so deep in love, don’t you or they need time to heal? How can you hop into another relationship or date without first healing your heart from your disappointment or painful experience? 
     • Often, we can have an intense longing for what is junk because the junk seems more appealing than learning to be comfortable in our skin. Focusing on others helps us avoid ourselves.

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Wrapping things up:

Now to wrap things up. the next time you find yourself Googling the query “Does an Emotionally Unavailable Man Miss You?”, ask yourself why you’re wasting your time caring about someone who put themselves in a position to be missing you. 

If they miss you, they lose out. Tough noogies for them! Shift the focus back to you and close the door to this man who can’t see you for the bomb person you are. 

Why would you want to let them back in your life by caring? Do you believe you can’t do any better than them? 

Surely you can. Your deepest self screams to your heart that you must and can do better.

Remember, no matter what you go through, you are never alone!

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