After pushing myself to attend a tech networking event, the reality hit me: a step to improve emotional availability is to embrace a powerful experience called universality.
When we accept that we are not alone, we can experience comfort and liberation by tapping into the power of support, connection, and community—essential factors on the pathway of healing.
When we’re attempting to break unhealthy relationship patterns and life cycles, it’s relatively easy to get lost in our pain and struggles. Often our focus can get a bit “Me, Me” and “I, I” centric because it’s our pain, and it hurts— Darn it!
The Real-T truth is that we can get “lost in the sauce of US”— it’s time to change that!
Whether it’s healing from the pain of a relationship with emotionally unavailable partners, breaking free from toxic work environments, coping with a barrage of rejections as we continue our job search, or changing unhealthy vices, it’s important that we understand others are fighting the good fight— just like us.
What is Universality?
Universality is an acceptance that our pain and struggles are not unique to us. The understanding that others share in our struggles is a component of emotional availability because it helps us connect our experiences with those of others in a very human way.
Though widely recognized by many cultures, the idea of universality was made popular and crystallized into a psychological theory by the Psychiatrist Dr. Irvin Yalom.
Yalom was an existentialist at heart. He focused on man’s search for meaning and purpose, our existence, life, and death— pretty weighty stuff.
He was known for his impactful work tapping into group psychotherapy’s power and developed a theory surrounding it. The theory includes twelve therapeutic factors.
Universality is the first factor and was found to be one of the most powerful with his clients.
It was founded that time and again his clients experienced a sense of belonging, reduced isolation, and acceptance through identifying with the struggles of others.
Said another way, sharing with others in their treatment groups helped participants facilitate human connection. In turn, they began to empathize and identify with others’ pain points.
Seeing that they were not alone helped to reinforce a sense of connection and belonging with others.
In my tenure as a substance use counselor, I’ve witnessed the power of universality time and again while facilitating substance use groups. It really gets people out of their self-centeredness and embrace connectedness.
The Importance of Reaching Out for Human Connection
One day, when I was having a low moment about my radical career transition into the tech space (UX Design), my neighborhood friend shared with me about an upcoming Meetup downtown in Fort Lauderdale.
Sidebar: She is in the real estate space , into networking, and naturally super social
In protest, I said some version of :
“Girl, please. These people are already established in tech. I haven’t even completed my ten-month UX Design bootcamp yet, and my portfolio isn’t even completed. I’m not tryna’ look stupid. You buggin’, girl!”
She gave me this “whatever” look, and I said, “Okay, fine. I’ll go. I need to change this pattern of isolation and fear.
As I transition into tech, networking is super important. This is challenging for me because, by nature, I am an introvert (my preference is to go inward for my energy).
However, I can “turn on the social” when I need to (or often forced to out of necessity-ten years as a counselor required it).
So, I decided to do something I learned from my REBT training: a shame-attacking exercise. It’s essentially when you take your fear and expose yourself to it— fear of public speaking, fear of heights, fear of spiders— fear of whatever.
You confront your fear by doing it, risking embarrassment and discomfort, and process it later.
As aforementioned, in September, I attended a tech networking event that really opened up my heart and eyes.
I realized my going to the event was about something more profound. It was me humbling myself and recognizing a need that I had— the need to connect with others (a level three on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid).
I was living out Maslow’s Theory of Human Motivation.
It had come full circle: human connection is paramount and it was time for me to go about meeting that need in a healthy way (Laud knows, in pastime that hasn’t always been the case!).
A Step to Improve Emotional Availability is “Seeing Higher Than “I”
As I mingled during the event my ego began to soften (often thinking that I’m the only one struggling or who wants success). I talked to four gents that night. They all had inspiring stories but one of the guys really had a unique impact.
The first? A software engineer, with a Master’s in Computer Science, a genius, but who was recently laid off. In short, his employer threw him to the wolves by giving him a super difficult two-week project.
I was a project that only an engineer working on a NASA space launch would be expected to deliver.
Yet, through all of his disappointment, he was generous with sharing resources, telling his story, and motivated to keep going—which inspired me to continue pressing on.
In hindsight, the essence of my attending was not about finding my best friend at a networking event, or my “big break”.
The hidden treasure was the positive impact of being around a collective of people, in the tech community, with one common goal: to support one another through hearing and seeing each other’s stories (not just focusing on my own egocentric bubble).
” If we want to experience true emotional growth, we’ve got to take a step to improve our emotional availability: that means making the choice to embrace that our experiences are universal and that we are not alone—this is called Universality.”
Wrapping Things Up:
As we seek to cultivate greater unconditional self-acceptance for ourselves while we make major structural changes to our lives— leaving a dead-end job, giving the axe to an unhealthy relationship, or facing our own personal fears— we MUST remind ourselves that it’s not all about “Me, Me, Me” and “I, I, I”.
A step to improve emotional availability is embracing that universality exists in our mutual human experiences- good and bad. Seeing that you are not the only one “trying, hoping, wishing, and praying.”
By truly sharing our stories and hearing those of others through support groups, networking events, or your academic cohorts, over time we can create a support system and sense of community.
This can help emotionally unblock us as we release our own narcissistic baggage.
I am not saying to connect blindly with people and share your childhood trauma. However, you can share your story in an elevator pitch.
We don’t have to overshare (i.e. we can leave that for our therapists’ couch).
We can simply start connecting with a, “Heya, my name is ___________. It’s really good to meet you and be here with others tonight/today!”
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there to connect. Yes, there will be people who will want to connect, some who will show minimal interest, and some who may pretend as if they are interested.
That’s okay! You don’t need to connect with everyone.
You simply want to make the right connections and be potted in good soil, in the right place, with the right people, so you can fully bloom as God intended.
What would it look like if you began to reach out for connection despite your isolation and your fears?
Your thoughts and comments?
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