So, you decided to start dating again, huh? Are you taking your time and getting to know your beau or beauette? Or are you already envisioning the house on the lake, the kids, the names of the kids, the side-by-side matching bathroom towels, and the style of the suit or dress you will wear at the altar of love? Before you proceed, assessing emotional readiness for dating is key. You can do that by using a tool called the H.A.L.T assessment-we’ll cover that in this post.
I’ve used this method many times to break my pattern of jumping heart-first into many painful relationships. Whomp. Whomp.
If you, like me, have a history of rushing into relationships, it’s essential to HALT—slow down, back up, and stay grounded in reality about your feelings. Premature feelings and fantasizing in the early stages of dating can cloud your judgment.
If you have a shady history of relationships (e.g., relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, narcissists, players who cheat, partners who abandon you, break your trust, or partners that emotionally or physically abuse you), and don’t learn from your mistakes, you may repeat unhealthy relationship patterns.
We can become stuck in a cycle of disappointment and start blaming others for the unfairness we experience when they can’t and won’t love us back.
Preventing Desperation in Dating And Relationships
Assessing compatibility for a relationship is a process. Can this person provide you with an emotionally safe and satisfying relationship?
You will only know if you date, take time, and base your decisions on the person’s behavior and character.
Experts advise individuals undergoing addiction recovery treatment from substances to use the acronym H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired) to assess for negative emotional triggers that could lead to relapse.
The concept behind this is that if their basic needs are not being met (which they must learn to meet in healthy ways on their own) and they are under stress, they may experience negative emotions as a result of these unfulfilled needs, which can lead to a return to substance use.
In the quest for “the one,” we may often fall prey to rushing intimacy. Our judgment often becomes clouded. Perhaps by previous relationship experiences that were poor, unhealthy, and yielded no return on the emotions and time we invested.
After all, we all want and deserve love. However, disappointment may leave us desperately seeking validation from the wrong people who cannot provide what we need.
We may rush a relationship’s progression out of desperation, despite repeated disappointment for doing so. DON’T DO IT!
Slow is the way to go!
One suggestion is to conduct a thorough H.A.L.T self-assessment to gauge your readiness to date or pursue a relationship.
We must assess our motivations and emotions when we pursue our natural human need to love-ensuring it stems from a healthy place!
The HALT Assessment: Assessing Your Emotional Readiness For Dating
Ask yourself the following to evaluate if your motivations are healthy for dating:
1. Am I HUNGRY for love, or do I set a high enough standard by desiring someone to enhance, NOT DEFINE, who I am?
If you approach relationships with the mindset of “looking for the one,” you may exude desperate energy and choose the wrong people responsible for your happiness. People should add to your joy (with or without them). Don’t date simply because you are “hungry for love.”
2. Am I still ANGRY at my ex, my poor relationship choices, my mistakes in relationships, and the people who have wronged me in past relationships?
If yes, you may enter a new relationship seeking to right the wrongs of your past. However, other people cannot heal your broken heart. It would be best if you mended it first.
3. Am I LONELY because I need someone to fill a void, or am I truly secure and relationship ready?
Being single is a state of being, not a curse. A relationship can add color to your life, but love won’t fix all your issues automatically.
4. Are you TIRED of trusting people and believing in love despite the availability of good men and women?
If your past experiences have left you skeptical about the existence of good relationships, you shouldn’t be dating. Healing should be your priority. Dating requires courage, and it’s essential to take your time to choose trustworthy partners. Remember, just because some people disappointed you in the past doesn’t mean all people will.
Wrapping Things Up:
Assessing emotional compatibility and character in relationships takes a thoughtful analysis. Instead of focusing on love, do your due diligence to determine if the person is a kind, decent, and respectful human being that can provide a safe friendship and social support.
Forget “love” for the moment and focus on determining if the person is at least a nice and decent human being who can provide a safe friendship.
Despite your disappointments, don’t give up on love, and most importantly, never give up on yourself!
You can apply the principle of H.A.L.T. when newly dating to prevent unhealthy relationship patterns from resurfacing like a bad rash that won’t quit.
Remember that assessing emotional readiness for dating is paramount to defining and understanding your emotional needs before expecting others to meet them. Take your time in dating and relationships.
Be gentle with your heart and avoid rushing into things when you’re feeling Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.
Remember to H.A.L.T and get to know your date!
What triggers you to rush into relationships?
Do tell and drop a comment below.
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