So, you’ve been dating and encountered a situation many loathe: “the pullback.” After saying “I love you”, they withdraw interest leaving you perplexed— throw in a dash of hurt too. When an emotionally unavailable partner pulls away (aka an EUP) , the first thing to do is realize their behavior IS NOT ABOUT YOU, but is about their insecurities and drama.
Furthermore, let’s be clear, this isn’t about just “any” individual ,but about an Emotionally Unavailable Partner (EUP)— this is key to understanding before you internalize their messy antics, and get too hard on yourself.
You know the drill. They pull away, they withdraw, they withhold, and they ask for “space,” all after professing “love “, or that they’re” falling in love” with you.
For the recipient (YOU), it is devastating.
You wonder, “What did I do wrong for them to take their ‘love’ away?”
You may even sit wondering if they miss you, when they pull away and disappear.
Their retreat often occurs after intense initial courting rituals. These are usally very frequent in the beginning stages of the relationship.
I use the word “relationship” very loosely here.
Why? Well, because if you were squatting on property in EUP Ville, you were never in a real, reciprocal, mutual, healthy relationship—it’s all La Fantasía (said in my wanna be Puerto Rican accent)—a fantasy and sham.
So, back to the initial questions.
What happened?
What did you do so wrong for them to play dodgeball with your heart?
The simple answer is NOTHING.
Read on……
What Happens When an Emotionally Unavailable Partner Pulls Away?
Simply put, when an emotionally unavailable partner pulls away from you, their fear sets in, and they realize they’d better dial it back and pull out of the relationship before it gets too deep.
This is so they don’t have to measure up to the “love” notes, the promises, and your expectations of them. They have to keep you, your expectations, and your feelings in check— and you at a safe distance.
Likely, in the beginning, they’re like Elmer’s Glue all over you. They might call you from work, dial you up multiple times a day, or offer a spontaneous invite to go out for dinner or dessert. They may even have you sleep over several times a week—as they say, shackin’ up.
They constantly remind you of their presence, showering you with interest and attention.
You’re convinced that they might even climb Mount Everest for you. Aww, isn’t that thoughtful?
They’re attentive and they freely initiate a high level of engagement. You really hit it big in the dating lotto, but then it suddenly comes to a screeching halt.
Understanding The Stages of the EUP Pullback Cycle
First, you must understand the EUP Pullback Cycle.
It has a beginning, a middle, and an end. The progression of this cycle usually entails intensity, a plateau of the initial intensity, and then a deep valley of desertion. Then, they may repeat the beginning or the middle like an emotional rollercoaster.
The “beginning stages” can last from a few weeks to a few months, depending on the EUP. The most pernicious of unavailable partners can delay showing you who they REALLY are.
Unavailable people operate in extremes. They will either zip you through the EUP Pullback Cycle fairly quickly. Or, depending on the person, some EUPs will give you a slow painful burn through these stages.
Unfortunately for us, some of these people can take years to reveal their true colors.
Hence, the all-too-common retort “I was with him 2, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10 years but he became a different person”.
Let’s dig into the progression of the Pullback Cycle of an EUP pulling the rug of love from underneath your feet.
The Beginning Stage (Week 1, Month 1, or Year 1)
This stage is marked by the EUP’s intensity. This is one of the many signs that you’re dealing with an EUP.
They’re all uber-intense, charming, and may even seductively manipulate their way into your heart.
We are talking major attention: doting over you, or even calling you multiple times a day from overseas, and lots of other “extraordinary” displays of affection. They roll out a full production of The Pomp and Circumstance Marches dedicated to you.
What’s their modus operandi?
Often, it’s so that YOU emotionally invest in them QUICKLY.
The level of attention they’ve provided you can gas your head up. If you get too carried away, you might start envisioning side-by-side SUVs and a house.
This is DANGEROUS.
Why? Well, because most of the attention is on you— it’s called mirroring. If you haven’t been consistently providing yourself with adequate attention and love, the EUP will be filling an emotional gap by mirroring to you what you are not giving to yourself.
The problem here is that when they take their adoration away, we often become devasted.
In essence, when we get swept up in emotions like this, we are giving someone A LOT of power to make us feel good (a self-care skill we should have well mastered ALREADY before dealing with them).
So, next time you even think they are an EUP, you MUST slow your roll.
Slow them and yourself down! Anything worthwhile takes time. NOT all the time in the world, but just time (reasonable progression). They and you can wait on the intensity.
The Middle Stage (Week 2, Month 2, or Year 2)
The tables are turned and you now have become the chaser or pursuer. The dynamic of “Push-Me-Pull-Me-I am Pushing You Away” emerges. The attention stops. They start treating you like a grave burden.
They start reneging on promises, making less effort, canceling plans, not making any plans, or taking back things they were given in The Beginning Stage of being with an EUP (i.e. attention, affection, consistent phone calls).
Heck, they may even opt to text you more over calling and then take longer to respond— this is all to maintain a safe emotional distance.
Ask me how I know.
Been there, done that.
I beseech thee, learn from my love lessons.
The End Stage (Week 3, Month 3, or Year 3)
Now here comes The Big Whooper.
They finally withdraw from you. They withhold, discard, or give you a watered-down version of The Beginning Stage with them. They rewind the relationship dial, and relegate you to a booty call. Now you’re jump-off buds or my favorite, “friends” with benefits. Yippy! (Not!).
Now all of a sudden, they’re okay with you and them dating others.
Can we say no more boundaries?
This all leads down one road— wanting to date you and be with you less and less.
Heck, you may even notice a mean streak beginning to harvest, and their inner Veruca Salt petulant child, rears its ugly head (note: remember that bratty girl from Willie Wonka and The Chocolate Factory? Yeah, that’s them!)
What Can You Do When He/She Pulls Away?
The first thing you should do is decide What to do and what NOT to do about their antics. Because if you play the game wrong (and it is a game for them), you will lose even more of your self-dignity. You will dim your shine dealing with the foolery.
The cycle of these whirlwind romances can tap into your deepest insecurities and make you think you did something wrong for them to pull away, mistreat you, and take their “love” away from you. YOU DIDN’T!
However, it’s key to disengage with our self-blame when dealing with these types of people.
For sure it hurts to not be validated or to have someone you care for suddenly withdraw from you what you deserve. But again, this is not just any “someone” they are an EUP. This means they are emotionally NOT capable of what you want, need, and deserve.
When someone rejects your love, you must use this opportunity very wisely so you can overcome the pattern of seeking out validation from unavailable partners.
So, here is a list of 9 Do’s and Don’ts when you find yourself dealing with an EUP who withdraws their love, attention, or interest.
1. DO forget you ever met this guy or gal, but DON’T miss the hidden gems of the experience.
Hidden gems are those blessings in disguise these painful experiences can teach us. Here is a hidden gem— when someone rejects you or mistreats you, it’s a sign that they don’t value you.
When this happens, you need to be the one doing the pulling away, head held high.
PERIOT! (Said in my Madea voice).
2. DON’T beg and plead for them to love you back
No performing stunts and shows to get back to The Beginning Stage! (Note: before I got delivered from EUPs this used to be a pattern of mine. Oh Laud, I remember those days.) Save yourself the embarrassment, and instead, channel that energy for a good workout at the gym.
This also means no seducing them, no wearing edible underwear to entice them, social media spying on them, texting them ever again, or calling them incessantly. You will only be breathing more life into their colossal ego.
3. DO see this as a golden opportunity to shut the door and walk away from The Spirit of Emotional Unavailability.
The age-old adage “like see like” applies here. When you do the walk away, you are behaviorally communicating you are no longer available to what is unavailable. People who do something, are more powerful than people who simply talk about it. Please start walking away from them immediately so you can make room for better.
Caution: Don’t walk away to play games. That gets ole’ and tired really quick. It also shows that we are the ones emotionally unavailable too (not just them).
4. DON’T waste your tears on a Jerk or Jerkette who mistreated you in an unhealthy relationship.
When we shed tears over an EUP, we are wasting our tears on a Jerk or Jerkette who mistreated us in an UNHEALTHY relationship.
Save those tears for when you have a healthy relationship with a kind, empathetic, loving, and caring partner, and it doesn’t work out (Note: yes, this does happen in life.)
This is not them. Trust me.
Sidenote: Okay, we are human, you can have ONE crying episode, maybe two if you must, but then dry those eyes boo.
5. DO get far, far, far, and further away from them (I’m talking like 3,000 miles or more. Ha! Just kidding).
Distance begets objectivity. With time and space, you will acknowledge the WHOLE person who treated you like garbage, and you will stop romanticizing the brief half-behind spurts of “good times”.
6. DON’T think you had a REAL relationship.
This is not what true love feels like. It’s that simple and straight. Remember emotionally unavailable partners often mirror people. They can sense (sometimes subconsciously) “open doors” for entry. They likely have observed you well and what you say you want and need.
Often, they present as if they can rise to the occasion but eventually deflate because they don’t have the healthy relationship goods to stack up.
7. DO understand that the best revenge you can have in a situation like this is to be successful over your unhealthy love patterns.
Deal with YOU and slowly begin to heal your unhealthy love patterns, get better boundaries, know your values, and start really loving you. Do the REAL work!
8. DO use someone playing games with your heart, rejecting your love, and mistreating you as a wake-up call.
The message God is trying to send is that you deserve better. However, you need to stop demanding that you get “the better” from them. It ain’t happenin’!
9. DON’T EVER go back to them or take them back!
When you walk away make it final. This one needs no further explanation.
Wrapping Things Up:
In the final analysis, when an emotionally unavailable partner pulls away from you, it’s essential to maintain objectivity.
Their behavior and inability to value you, say more about them and their insecurities, inabilities, deficiencies, and character flaws.
You don’t have to beat them up over the head about pulling away from you. Yes, you can let it be disappointing that they won’t love you or like you back but not devastating.
It’s the difference between understanding preferences for love versus the demands we hold about love, and people, who can’t love us back.
More importantly, if you can acknowledge that they are emotionally unavailable or “likely” emotionally unavailable, why would you want them back anyway?
You don’t need that negativity; you deserve joy and to be valued, and you can do that WITHOUT THEM!
Trust and believe.
Instead of chasing them, what can you do differently when an EUP pulls away from you?
If you have a topic or a question that you’d like addressed on the LALA Blog:
Please email me at
If this article has blessed you, please link to it, share it on social media, or email me and share your thoughts, comments, and stories.
Sign up for the Love and Life Antics Blog newsletter (If you’re on mobile, scroll down if you’re on mobile).
