Is Obsessing About Unfairness In The World Keeping You Stuck?

“Here we go again!” you exclaim. You’re over it. You know the drill.The reality of unfairness in the world, life, and your relationships tees you off, consuming your mind!

You show up and perform your best at another job but could be more valued. You “go all in” with your relationships only to receive less than you know you deserve.

Your cup runneth over with anger as the Tape of Indignation replays. Life has given you “unjust desserts”; you’re wondering what you can do about it.

The first step is to come to a screeching HALT! Slow down the unhealthy narrative!

When you fixate upon the lopsided outcomes you get in life, you succumb to emotional unavailability. I hear you asking, “how?”

Well, it almost always leads to a flurry of unhealthy negative emotional responses (e.g., rage, resentment, jealousy, depression, etc.).

The result is that the negativity is doing its job- to block your goals of happiness and productivity.

For some immediate relief from the negativity, try having gratitude for what you already have.

When we take on the spirit of gratitude it will help us be solution-minded instead of problem-focused. Go ahead, ask me how I know.

I became a master at Campaigning for Justice™.👨🏽‍⚖️

I spent years mulling over why I perpetually kept experiencing unfairness in my relationships and at various jobs.

No matter how “good” I was, I would experience a pattern of unequal treatment, exploitation, disrespect, and shady shenanigans.

I often became stuck in this cycle until I woke up.

Whoomp. Whoomp.😭

You can’t stop unfairness by being “good,” doing better, and doing more. Unfair situations are dysfunctional by design.

The primary purpose of these circumstances is to signal that you deserve better and to provide fuel not to become complacent.

Instead, you can use this vital information to position yourself in better circumstances (with time and patience). Period.

If you’re wondering how to get unstuck, read on for some relief.😌

What Does Unfairness Look Like, Smell, Like, And Taste Like?

Unfairness has a certain stench. It’s an unpleasant dynamic characterized by one entity getting “shorted.”

When this happens, two parties will meet in disagreement. The disagreement is most often the byproduct of an unequal distribution of goods, services, or resources.

When we apply this to people and relationships, unfairness boils down to the tension created by unequal energetic forces between party A and party B. Tangibles, such as money, or intangibles, such as emotional resources, are often at stake.

When grappling with this dynamic, you’ll often feel like your soul is slowly evaporating. You become downtrodden by the nagging sense of being held in low regard, or worse, that if you accept the unfair offer, you might develop a “reputation” for doing so in the future.

Setting a baseline of receiving less than in life from people (i.e., love partners, employers, friends, family, etc.)

The Psychological Effects of Harping on Injustice

When you fixate on finding solid answers to the question, “Why is life unfair, or why am I being mistreated?” you will get consumed by unhealthy negative emotions.

The self-narrative usually echoes a negative tone. “Why this?” “Why that?” “How can they do this, or how can they do that?” You become so driven about making sense out of nonsense that you can’t progress.

ERRR! Wait! Stop and pump your breaks (before you end up in the Bellevue Psychiatric unit).🧑🏽‍⚕️

You don’t need to go there! There are other options to cope with our injustices (we’ll get to that below).

Hyperfocus on unfairness in the world is a roadblock. It stems from rigid demands that make us unhealthily angry and unhappy and will have negative consequences.

6 Negative Consequences of Obsessing About Unfairness In The World

Adopting a victimization mindset ¹
Expungement of your peace of mind 
 Serious health problems and higher cortisol levels ² correlate with obsessive thinking.
Research shows that in people with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), obsessive thinking raises cortisol levels ³. 
Inadvertent self-righteousness, where we rate ourselves and others as “good” and “bad.”
Lack of emotional surrender to our Higher Power who sees EVERYTHING.

Yes, acknowledge the unequal dynamics by all means, but we mustn’t dwell on them. It’s time to stop obsessing about what we can’t change.

However, there’s still value in validating why we have such an intuitive response to raise objections to unfair treatment. So, let’s do that next.

What The Ultimatum Game Teaches Us About Unjustness

I’ve always wondered why it’s so psychologically impactful when we encounter circumstances challenging our worth and reputation. We trip because our brain has mechanisms that react to norm violations. In other words, there’s a mind-body connection at play.

I don’t know about you, but it’s liberating when I discover a mind-body connection to something I am experiencing. It informs me that I’m not abnormal and that my human nature is acting in my best interest. 

That said, research from the Ultimatum Game (UG) ⁴ shows us that there is a neurological explanation for our reactions to our “unjust desserts” in life. 

No, it’s not just you being crazy and unreasonable.

Being bothered is the brain’s reasonable attempt to make amends for a boundary violation, imbalance, or unequalness.

Let me explain, read on.

What’s the Ultimatum Game (UG)?

The Ultimatum Game is a game model used to study human behavior and decision-making. It examines the role of self-interest and what motivates people to act in certain ways- our relational motives.

In the game, a proposer offers money to a respondent who can accept or reject the offer (because its too low). 

Research has found that two brain regions become activated when people reject unfair offers, the anterior insula and the dorsal anterior cingulate.

These brain regions become activated when we experience violations of social norms ⁵ (Chang and Sanfey, 2013, as cited in Zheng, L, Zhu, L., Li, Jiangi., Chen, L., and Dienes, Z., 2017). 

When participants were observed, the results of these studies suggested that our strong reaction to unfair treatment is due to our sense of fairness (also called “fairness considerations “) and concern for our reputation. 

Trials using the UG (Ultimatum Game) have demonstrated that we often object to unfair treatment because we don’t want to set a negative precedent for ourselves, accepting less than we deserve. 

Our thought process often follows, “If I accept something highly unfair, what will you think of me, and what will others think of me for accepting less than?. Especially when I know I deserve better but get paltry returns. 

And that’s real talk! It’s a logical concern we have. We value fairness and don’t want to set a tone for “okaying” receiving less than in our life. We want to be rewarded.

Rightfully so!

But we can’t get carried away down the river campaigning for justice.

It’s a waste of energy. 

While it’s normal to have objections to unfairness, it’s paramount to keep a bigger perspective and work to find situations that offer greater benefits and reciprocity.

You must be patient and build your tolerance for frustration until you align with conditions that honor your values.

How To Confront Life’s Imbalances and Achieve Emotional Stability

To truly grasp how to overcome unfairness in the world and in life, you must first validate that unfairness exists for you.

It is your reality (at least for now). No, you are not crazy. There are definitely things going down wrong in funky town.

So, how did I deal with my many inequitable situations?

Here are coping strategies I’ve used that may be helpful.

Most of them involve a change in core attitudes, a philosophical shift, and releasing our rigid demands about how we think our reality should be.

Try the following mindful tips to overcome unfairness obsession:👇🏽

1. Develop an Attitude of Acceptance. Validate Your Unfair Circumstances.

Give yourself the gift of self-validation. Tada! There’s nothing more powerful than validating our own sour experiences. Amen to that. It’s liberating; try it!

Ask me how I know. Well, I am doing it now—facing some unfair circumstances but seeing the brighter side. That’s a true sign that we are becoming more emotionally available, not consumed by unhealthy negative emotions.

For example, with acceptance, I still have the energy to rebuild this blog, take my SEM (search engine marketing course), and most recently, the door opened to receive my first paid freelance writing gig. #Win! 🏆

But, I would remain stuck if I kept obsessing about how unfair it is that I have to juggle a full-time job until I can transition permanently to the digital space.

Satan, NOT today!

2. Look for The GOLD LINING

Yes, I said gold. Sometimes, we must get our shovels out and “dig deep” to find the positive slant despite the unfairness, but it’s there if we choose to see it. Force yourself! You can do it!

Random sidebar rant: With the idiom “the silver lining,” I’ve always wondered, why is the lining silver? I’ve always thought of mine as gold. After all, gold is a less rare metal than silver. Just sayin’. I digress; back to the point.

3. Look for The Hidden Benefits in The Hard Times

There are always hidden life lessons and benefits when you are mistreated or given rotten tomatoes to work with. For me, things started to shift for the good when I realized that unfairness has hidden benefits.

From this angle, it became a tool to use as energy to fuel my goals. It became healthy anger. Yes, there’s such a thang! This kind of anger is functional and can propel you forward. When you deal with a negative emotion and feel bad, you can transform it into a stepping stone.

4. See The Forest for The Bigger Picture (i.e., the trees, the leaves, the wood, etc.)

See BEYOND YOU. We must widen the scope and get over our myopic view. One strategy I like to use is looking at things from a global or national level.

For me, thinking globally about an issue and putting things to scale eases the sting of unfair life circumstances. It helps me snap out of taking a dump on the pity pot.

5. Journal, journal, and more journaling to vent your feelings and thoughts about unfair events.

Journaling is a powerful tool. I’m a bit biased about it. That’s how Love Antics was conceived and rebranded now as Love & Life Antics- The Love & Life Blog.

In 2013, I took my pain and anger about all the wrongs I faced in my EUP (emotionally unavailable partner) relationships and I turned it into blog content.

Journaling is an actionable step you can take to get in touch with your life and have some compassion for YOU. Write out the ideal future fairness outcomes you want to see manifest.

Don’t rigidly be attached to the ideals. You’re just getting it on paper, so you don’t repress your feelings and can develop a sense of control over YOU.

Some Examples of Unfair Experiences I’ve Overcome Include:

Enduring a smear campaign from a Narc boss (narcissistic), which almost destroyed my career- a bad situation. No bueno!
Being chronically rejected for years and years before I carved out a career in what I do now (update: I resigned from my former counselor career after 10 years to now embark upon an IT career.
Having an EUP partner that lied to me and didn’t disclose their HIV status until we were involved (no worries, my status didn’t change. God’s protection. Praise be!)
While at an agency, being threatened with insubordination by a superior with a supersized ego for holding to my ethics (yet again).

You get the point. I got through mine. I am sure more are on the way. I will get through those as well.

You will overcome yours too!

It’s A Wrap:

Now for the climax.

Did you know that according to the Federal Trade Commission, out of over 5.7 million consumer affairs complaint reports ⁶  received in 2021, a little over 25% were related to identity theft?

To spell it out, that’s 1.425 million people who got dupped by shady characters who reek of unfairness with no moral compass.

Worldwide scammers roll deep- in the millions, to be precise. 

“Oh, justice, oh justice, where art thou justice?”

What is the moral of the story?

You are not alone. See the big picture Reat-T (Truth) that unfair things are happening all day globally.

The time will come when life will allow us to be gobsmacked by the painful reality that others will mistreat us for no apparent reason. That reality can sting like a hornet. We prefer life to be fair, so we can wrap it up in a neat bow and not have to deal with another dreaded problem. 

The trials you experience can appear like one massive conspiracy designed to ensure your unhappiness. You can grow weary when the Casino of Life deals you consistent hands of unequal splits.

Let’s give our obsession about unfairness in the world the heave-ho. We can stop the tape from replaying. It’s natural to want equity but don’t wax on about it. 

You’ve got important work to do. Refocus your energy and use the tension as a springboard to what you want (i.e., people, places, and things that align more with your values.) 

Why has it been hard to let go of the idea that things must be fair for you?

What can you do to refocus and let go of righting the wrong?

Please do share.

Remember, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!

If you were blessed by this post please drop a comment or share the inspiration with someone who can benefit.

If there’s a topic, question, or story you want to share on The LALA Blog please feel free to email me at:

References:

1. Kaufman, S. B. (2020, June 29). Unraveling the Mindset of Victimhood. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unraveling-the-mindset-of-victimhood/ Retrieved on February 4, 2023.

2. Santos-Longhurst, A. (2022, November 28). What Are the Symptoms and Causes of High Cortisol Levels? Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/high-cortisol-symptoms.Retrieved on February 5, 2023.

3.Sousa-Lima, J., Moreira, P. S., Raposo-Lima, C., Sousa, N., & Morgado, P. (2019). Relationship between obsessive-compulsive disorder and cortisol: Systematic review and meta-analysis. European Neuropsychopharmacology, 29(11), 1185-1198. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.euroneuro.2019.09.001 Retrieved on February 5, 2023.

4. Ultimatum game. (2023, February 8). In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ultimatum_game

5. Zheng, L., Guo, X., Zhu, L., Li, J., Chen, L., & Dienes, Z. (2015). Whether others were treated equally affects neural responses to unfairness in the Ultimatum Game. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 10(3), 461-466. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsu071

6. James, S. (2022). 2022 Identity theft statistics. Consumer Affairs. https://www.consumeraffairs.com/finance/identity-theft-statistics.html Retrieved on February 5, 2023.