Unhealthy situations and relationships- should we stay or leave? How do we know when a relationship or a job environment is unhealthy versus healthy for us? Those are the burning questions. What are the answers? We will cover that in this post.
Well, I found my answers. I decided I couldn’t stay stuck in a toxic job. So, I left NYC in 2018 and transplanted to the Sunshine State.
Here is my story……..
(Side Note: This is a Flashforward Post. Read more about the content structure on the About Love & Life Antics page )
Tuesday, September 12, 2017, is a date etched in my soul. It’s a day I’ll never forget- a proud and liberating day!
On that day, I felt anger burning in my soul-righteous anger. You know, the healthy kind of anger that motivates productive action- not the unhealthy anger that drives you to bop someone and hurt folk (Well, maybe I did want to haul off a teeny bit. Chuckle).
It was the day I decided to resign, making a swift exit from one of the most jacked-up conundrums you could imagine. Well, anyway, that I could imagine. This time it wasn’t tripping over if an EUP (emotionally unavailable partner) misses me, but it was an uber-septic work environment, and the poor leadership at the agency reflected this.
To provide context, I was lost and struggling to find purpose after a 10-year career stint in the music and entertainment industry. Although I enjoyed pursuing the arts- the background singing, composing music, getting paid to work as a commercial background actor, and working with a few celebrities on set- I was tired.
The financial instability of the arts was wearing my nerves thin. Adding insult to my financial struggle, I was still living at home in NYC with an open unemployment case. The artist’s life was not sustainable for me.
I was no longer willing to tolerate the discomfort that comes with that territory- paycheck to paycheck, gig to gig, per diem work, and not being able to keep my pockets full.
Given my dissatisfaction, I knew I needed to pivot and find greater meaning and life purpose. My unrest triggered me to make a career shift into the kind of work I do now.
Exiting Unhealthy Situations Takes Time and Preparation
In 2013, I decided to dust off my stale psychology degree (awarded in 2008). I applied for a scholarship at a training institute for substance use counseling and became a substance use credentialed professional.
In 2015 after completing my internship hours, I went from intern to paid professional and progressed quickly in the profession. Overall, it was a rewarding accomplishment.
During this time, I was still publishing content on my former blog Loveantics.com. Love Antics was finally gaining traction and getting recognized by Google through organic traffic (mind you, it took about four years of blogging to see dividends from organic traffic pop off).
I was even receiving organic offers to guest post on more well-established relationship editorial sites in my niche like Vixen Daily (Nick Bastion) and Digital Romance, Inc. (Michael Fiore). Finally, things in my life were well, or so it seemed, until my professional life gradually turned septic.
As I continued my work in the Addictions field, I discovered that the NYC agency I worked for was more concerned about client numbers than providing ethical quality client care. It gradually became a cesspool.
I was in a tough spot. I could easily dump and cut off an EUP, but leaving is not that easy when the unhealthy patterns are within your workplace.
Leaving unhealthy situations, for example, a job environment that shows you signs it’s a septic tank, can’t be knee-jerk. You need a planned exit strategy because your money is in the equation.
-Jacen J- Love and Life Antics-The Love and Life Blog
After all, we’ve got to pay our bills-the telephone bills, the Automo Bills. Do you know what I’m saying? (Destiny’s Child track echoes. Do-Do-Do Do. Do. Do. Do.)
For example, if you’re in an emotionally unavailable relationship, but it’s a marriage, you are engaged, or it’s a toxic work environment- the stakes can be high as a kite in these circumstances (i.e., children, financial assets, 401ks, pensions plans, etc.). You get the idea.
You may need to develop a plan to unhook and move on when knee-deep invested, and you can’t do this overnight in haste!
As a result, you can begin to feel trapped at worst and the stress levels mound at best (ergo, the high blood pressure, panic attacks, getting zilch of our necessary REM sleep, etc.).
Thus, leaving and how you leave becomes paramount, and while you are waiting things out, building your level of discomfort tolerance until you can bounce the mess out of your life and then sigh in relief and exclaim, “I made it!”-this is key. Even when it gets tough, a large part of emotional and spiritual growth is never giving up on yourself.
Detaching From What’s Unhealthy For You Ain’t Easy, But Someone’s Got To Do It. That Someone Is You!
In 2015 while employed at the NYC agency (despite all the blogging about emotionally unavailable people and being a credentialed professional), I was still periodically dating and dipping in the EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner) cookie jar (yes, I’m still human and old habits die hard. You know?)
However, my learning curve was getting tighter. The frequency and duration of staying stuck in unhealthy relationships were decreasing.
I cut it off quicker, minimizing the pain, instead of wasting time doing backflips and somersaults to attain love and/or approval that wasn’t going to happen.
I was stronger, strong enough to walk away from emotionally unavailable people. I realized I didn’t have to stay stuck chasing people that didn’t care enough about me.
When I broke my unhealthy love patterns with EUPs, I never imagined I would have to apply the same strength in another major area of my life- my career.
Life asked me tough questions: “Will you settle for chronic mistreatment at work, choose to remain in another crapshoot past its expiration date, or create a long-term exit plan because you deserve better?”
I chose the latter, to leave, and I began crafting my one-year exit plan. The signs that the situation was unhealthy for me were crystal. Ask yourself, “Is this healthy for me?” Then, listen and look for the following signs to determine if you are in one of these unhealthy situations.
5 Shady Signs of Unhealthy Situations or Relationships
- Once upon a time, you were idealized, but when you go against the unhealthy flow, you are devalued. “You’re a five out of ten. I’m giving the office to her,” exclaimed the director of the former agency I bounced from. Reneging on the promise of my own office, this critical mauling occurred after praising me for being an engaging intern turned full-time counselor who was “perfect” for the position. However, whenever I refused to keep clients in a lower level of care because they required a higher level of support (keeping my ethics intact), I became The Worst Person on Earth. Sadly, he was a social worker in the addictions field who enjoyed popping Zanies to get through the day and cope with his failing marriage. Getting told that I’m less than by a licensed clinical social worker, who took pills to get through the day, was rich. You’ll know it’s unhealthy if you’re confused by the drastic shift in perception they have about who you are. It just won’t add up, and you’ll endure fiery darts aimed at chipping away your self-worth. Devaluing you is about their attempt to make you feel worthless because you won’t play their game. Tell em’ game OVA!
- When you address issues or concerns, they oft respond, “Stop taking it personally,” “Don’t take it personal!” or some lame variation. This is to minimize their own or another person’s inappropriate boundary-busting behavior and deflect from what’s uncomfortable. It’s a clear attempt to either avoid The Elephant at The Job or The Elephant in The Relationship- clear-cut minimization of your feelings. The Real-T (Truth) is that if you’re involved, then it’s personal. If it happened to you, THEN IT’S PERSONAL. They’re just uncomfortable dealing with your feelings, and that’s THEIR PROBLEM.
- You get a poor ROI (return on investment) with your precious time, energy, and resources because it’s not reciprocal. Said another way, you’re giving a lot, but you are getting less and less in return. You can barely recognize yourself because you are overextending. Yet, not getting what you deserve. Still, you are expected to continue investing in the situation, person, or job, despite the disrespect, mistreatment, and clear-cut foolery you encounter. If you don’t comply but object to the grave imbalance (because you recognize “something just ain’t right”), you are pegged as being difficult, demanding, or “the one with the problem.” The scale of reciprocity is imbalanced.
- Conflict must be avoided at all costs. To remain in the relationship or the job, you have to “play nice” and not rock the boat. Remember, people will naturally agree or disagree when you reasonably vocalize your concerns. Then, this presents an opportunity for both parties to hear each other’s side and determine a productive course of action. Silence is often golden in unhealthy relationships and toxic work environments. Avoiding conflict and reality is a common characteristic. Change doesn’t have to happen if the other party refuses to identify and acknowledge the source of the problem.
- When you experience offenses like blatant disrespect (i.e., name-calling, getting cursed at, cheated on, insert the offenses here ____ ), they give you a backhanded apology or none at all, never truly owning their behavior. Now, this is a big one. Backhanded apologies are an uncanny skill of emotionally unavailable people; they have mastered this to a tee. If you find yourself in an unhealthy work environment or relationship, backhanded apologies will be the norm– expect it. A backhanded apology is basically a watered-down feeble attempt NOT to apologize but to justify inappropriate behavior by avoiding responsibility. The other party turns the tables. You may even find yourself apologizing to them for things you didn’t do (because of the witchcrafty mind games being played on you). Tell Jezebel or Ahab to scram!
- Sidebar: I recently experienced this at the new gig in the Sunshine State. One day, a burnt-out co-worker stormed through the office, looked at me, assumed I was laughing at her, and exclaimed, “I don’t understand what the F*U#K is so funny?” Mind you, we are wearing masks for safety in the office. Needless to say, reading facial expressions through a mask is nearly impossible (she has quite the telepathy *sigh*). Also, anyone who knows me knows I would never snicker at someone else’s distress. I digress. Anyway, she hurled the disrespect my way after she got in a mood because she didn’t like a directive being given by her superior.
- When I reported her aggressive behavior, she completely denied her actions and accused me of having issues with my perception of what happened. “I am sorry that you saw it that way…that you thought it was directed toward you”. I was like “Ummm…yea, lady you looked dead at me and locked eyes. That’s directed at me. Duh.” PULLEASE!
- Sadly despite reporting the incident, there were no consequences from the higher-ups, but I’m not surprised. Through the grapevine, I heard she has a history of this shifty behavior, but for over 8 years, nothing has been done about it. I guess they don’t wanna go through the trouble of axing her. Fair enough. The moral of the story is? In unhealthy environments, there is zero accountability for inappropriate behaviors- you’ll never get a proper apology for jacked-up behavior.
Of course, this list is not exhaustive. However, it’s a good start to identify the warning signs of situations that are a NO-GO for us. Unhealthy people will trigger you to question yourself and your very sanity. We need to cancel culture their mess quickly and recognize unhealthy situations for what they are!
Ignoring Toxic People, Places, and Things Today Creates Mo’ Problems Tomorrow
We may not be able to immediately leave an unhealthy relationship or job straightaway, but we can acknowledge The Unhealthy Elephant at the job or in the relationship. Avoiding our discomfort and unhappiness will only amplify the problems. Instead, we can choose to deal with obstacles and negative emotions healthily.
We can recognize that for us, deep on a soul level, something or someone is unhealthy for us. Period. By choosing to listen to our needs, we can start planning for a new future without them because we deserve better. These are super important lessons in love and life.
This may mean waiting, being patient, and gradually creating a plan of escape for our change to happen. We don’t need to stay in a dead-end job or relationship to please others or out of fear. Stop doubting yourself!
A better
Before I resigned from the agency in NYC, I had to acknowledge that I was truly unhappy. It took a year of praying for direction, planning, research, and the support of my family and a few trusted friends before I was able to exit that dreaded workplace.
Having a long-term plan increased the likelihood of a successful move, a fresh start, and leaving that mess behind.
Within eight months of moving out of NYC, I was able to nab another counseling position (with lots of “good benefits”), purchase a car and condo (within 2 years), and my journey of starting over commenced (all by the grace and favor of God of course).
Four years later, here I am. In a new state. Yet, despite all of my knowledge and wisdom about emotional unavailability and life, I’m being tested again (these dang life lessons, I tell ya’).
Life is summoning me to reevaluate my current circumstances to determine if the new gig I’ve been working at since my move overtime has turned into another toxic work environment.
I know deep inside that if I stay long-term, I will only hinder my growth and remain stuck. Life echoes the query, “Will you settle for less than you deserve, or will you plan for change?”
I’ll take change with a side order of growth- please, and thank you!
I’m still not exempt from the tests of life, and there are always new and messy predicaments waiting to test us. Life adversity is an all-inclusive trip.
Wrapping Things Up:
There are ways out of difficult situations. However, we can’t completely avoid life adversity (although it’s on my secret wish list. Snicker).
Sometimes, the way to overcome our trials is to go through them and use the experience as our stepping stones to greater, bigger, and better things.
Facing our problems is the pathway to becoming emotionally available. Never mind dealing with the EUP who won’t love you back and validate you. We’ve got to validate that he/she, it, or they, are hindering the flow of healthy into our life- they are just another lesson about love.
Remember, you are the light. Don’t let people dim your light with their jacked-up antics. We don’t have to stay stuck; recognizing the signs of what’s healthy for us is the first step to freedom.
Start your change plan. Let’s go! The time is now. Cheers to victory and to your emotional, mental, and spiritual health! Tell them’ you’ll pass on the love and life antics. For you, that’s a NO GO!
What unhealthy situations and relationships are keeping you stuck? Isn’t time to create an exit plan and embrace a healthier you?
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