Romantic Relationships! We humans long to be acknowledged, understood, loved, and accepted. Our hearts are hungry to connect. Despite our powerful desire to experience genuine love, we may continue to choose or be attracted to the same kind of partner who disappoints us repeatedly (read: repeatedly). To stop choosing emotionally unavailable partners (EUPs), you must understand why you do it. We do it because of our unhealthy attachment style.
Also, we need to accept our reality- that a painful problem exists with our choices.
Say What? What’s An Emotionally Unavailable Partner (EUP)?
An EUP is someone out of touch with themselves (their feelings), you (your feelings), and the relationship PERIOD! They lack an internal emotional feedback loop- an internal psychological process that helps us connect with our feelings and empathize with others.
Here’s the bottom line. If you feel that your needs are not being fulfilled and you spend copious amounts of emotional energy trying to “make the relationship work,” your relationship scale is imbalanced, and YOU will come up short ALWAYS.
We’ve got to stop dating someone merely because of our attraction to them. The “attraction” to them may be rooted in a pernicious but familiar pattern that can lead to persistent emotional pain. The first step to halting the cycle of dysfunction is for us to stop sticking our heads in the proverbial sand. We must self-validate that there is a problem with our choices.
Transference Can Keep Us Stuck in Unhealthy Relationship Choices
People who can’t love us back represent familiar but unhealthy love patterns that lead to painful love lessons. Then, we will often assign this person the responsibility of resolving our past issues. From a traditional psychodynamic lens, we call this phenomenon transference.
The meaning? It can start to feel like a witchcrafty curse when we persistently transfer unresolved feelings from the past and bring them into the present (and seek a human vessel to resolve them). If we look closely at the pattern, we can learn our relationship lessons about what love is (and what it’s not).
The problem is that irrational thoughts and unhealthy negative emotions stemming from childhood wounds often fuel our motivations to date and deal with unavailable folk. When this happens, we will continue selecting someone incapable of giving up the “relationship goods.”
My dear Sis’ or Bro,’ if Google leads you here to the Love & Life Antics blog while on your quest to discover why you keep choosing the same person but in a different package, you’re in the right place. It’s not your imagination. It’s a pattern that’s breakable! But it’s your reality, and you need support.
Don’t sell yourself short by believing the lie that there is something we do to attract emotionally unavailable partners. It’s a series of choices that we can change. And, if they left you and the relationship, don’t even think about if someone emotionally unavailable will miss you when the relationship ends.
Top 6 Reasons Why We Keep Choosing Emotionally Unavailable Partners (EUPs)
I was a master at The Art of Making Poor Relationship Choices. The Granddaddy of all my EUP relationships was when I had my Relationship “Aha Moment” with an EUP I call SMS (Soul Mate Speech). That particular relationship cut me down in emotional pain, and I had to wake the frick’ up. But, it took time because unhealthy was painful but comfy for me.
(Sidenote: Also, as I’ve confessed in other posts, I have a bit of a stubborn streak.)
Why? Well, the unhealthy choice always felt like “home” (e.g., the broken promises, the neglect, the abandonment, the gaslighting, the games). Painful, yes, but familiar and comfortable nonetheless.
It’s time to take a look deep within YOU so you can stop the cycle. You know yourself better than anyone; if you don’t, it’s time to start taking personal inventory to heal your EUP wounds. Yes, this is hard work! It’s worth the time and effort. I promise! (I’m living proof).
Now, let’s get to it and explore why we often choose to chase the unavailable partner until we break our ankles.
Reason # 1: Failing to admit there’s a chronic problem with attaching to emotionally unavailable partners
After eight years as a credentialed substance use counselor, it never ceases to amaze me how human beings seem to have an ingrained tendency to DENY, DENY, DENY, and then AVOID, AVOID, and AVOID their present reality.
A close cousin of admitting there’s a problem is recognizing it– the two go hand-in-hand. One roadblock to our freedom is our lack of insight (not recognizing the glaring unhealthy patterns).
Not admitting and not recognizing are two factors why we folks struggle to break free from dating someone unavailable (the ultimate self-defeating behavior). It’s just like an addiction to drugs and alcohol. I see it every day. People don’t want to own the problem and want a “glorious” life while they stay in their mess.
Also, another factor is refusing to tally up the evidence and confess that we HAVE NOT hit the jackpot of Relationship Gold-with someone unavailable, you never get “the prize.” Instead, you get a whopping heap of problems (theirs added to yours). EUPs equal Mo’ problems.
It’s a type of repetition compulsion (insanity) when we insist on wanting commitment and intimacy from unavailable people who don’t have the relationship skills and emotional ability to give us the authentic love that we deserve.
When I was knee-deep in the waters of “You Gets No Love” (cue: Faith Evans backup song track), I refused to see the Real-T(truth) for what it was with EUP folk. They would basically spell out their emotional unavailability on a chalkboard, but I would ignore the glaring signs of unavailability.
Then, I would get all butt hurt when things went to the crapper. Don’t be stubborn like me and waste time not embracing the truth. I’m an advocate for the mantra “Listen and Watch. It’s in what they say (and do)!”
Take The Quiz: Can You Spot An EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner) And Admit The Problem?
Although anecdotal, comparing years of my personal experience and sifting through the subscriber emails (from my former Love Antics blog), these are a list of the eerily similar declarations made by many of our EUPs. Take the quiz and see where the cards fall for you. Just for kicks, see what you score.
When you take the quiz, try to be brutally honest about the answers. We are looking for an unhealthy pattern of communication which is often evident when dealing with emotionally disconnected dates and lovers.
Explanations and a suggested scoring system are provided upon completion. Do they say things like:
Reason #2: Not accepting that because of ingrained unhealthy attachment patterns, you, by default, have an attraction to unavailable people
The tricky part is accepting your responsibility for not attracting but being attracted to (read: us choosing) this type of partner. There’s a difference. Being attracted to someone is different than being drawn to someone by some “magical” law-defying force we don’t have control over. It boils down to how we learned our early attachment style.
How Childhood Love Attachment Style Motivates Our Relationships Choices
It’s well documented that we can take a working model of our formative relationship attachment patterns 1 and use it as a template for our future ones (Brumbaugh, C., 2007). This love template develops through how we, as kiddies, relate to our parents (or other caregiver figures).
If our “love reference point” was built upon straw – inconsistent messages of love, broken promises, abandonment, and neglect- we’ll find specific people to cater to the dynamic those messages create. This kind of love will be harmful and topple down our House of Love in all its unhealthy glory.
Sorry, we don’t “attract” EUPs by some osmosis, and then, “Wham!” they gravitate to us like moths to a flame (passing through the barriers of our hearts). No, no! That’s too simple an explanation for such a deep, complex emotional process that occurs when we persist in choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
We can remove our New Age stones and crystals and cease calling the psychic hotlines to reverse The Curse of The EUPs. No! There’s no Hocus Pocus involved. You’re not defective; you’re just making unconscious choices. No magical aura cleansing is needed here. It just takes work and practice to change how we move about in the world of dating and relationships.
In 2013, when I started The Love Antics blog, the hardest part of my healing process was accepting my role in the madness. If I bumbled along believing that I was magically attracting these limited people with my “superpowers,” then I could easily let myself off the hook.
I didn’t have to do the real work of change. I could verbally affirm what I wanted differently (words without action). Yet, not take the actionable steps necessary to make changes. Often, we get emotionally lazy and want a happy ending without much effort. Our inner child wounds can go deep and take time to heal. Please, don’t be afraid of that process!
Reason #3: We have a faulty belief system from childhood that says, “Love is hard labor!”
Folks unavailable to your emotional needs are limited in their capacity to GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED (sidebar: they probably do not even know what they need and are afraid to find out, lest they become emotionally vulnerable). The question to ask yourself is, “Why would I continue to expect more from someone who is clearly limited in their capacity to give you what you want?”
Yes, all relationships take dedicated work to maintain. But if the main issues stem from someone whose actions are inconsistent with forging a mutually healthy connection because they keep letting you down, then why would you desire commitment from someone who falls into that category?
Love does take work, but it shouldn’t be hard labor!
Repeat these Real-T (Truth) affirmations after me three times (until you reach a trance-like state where you become repelled by even the thought of attempting to extract love from someone that’s EUP):
a) “Love is NOT hard labor!”
b) “You CAN’T earn what doesn’t exist!”
You deserve a compatible partner and a reciprocal relationship. The longer you cling to an unfulfilling relationship, the longer you block your path to finding true love (It starts from within to without).
Reason # 4: We become blinded by feelings of intensity and passion, conflating this with relationship readiness
Like the ole’ unhealthy version of me, you may get swept away by the intensity of their pursuit (confusing this for love). I used to fall victim to this trap. It was my Relationship Achilles Heel.
It was super intoxicating for me to hear premature declarations of “I miss/love you.” Not to mention the constant showering of attention via phone calls and texts, discussing their future while including me in the plans.
Then all of a sudden, WHAM! Your Love Balloon is deflated! They used to pursue you, showing what seemed to be genuine interest.
However, now you find the tables have been turned. They are barely there. They want space, space, and more space.
Intense Feelings Rush Intimacy: This Pattern Is The Curse of The EUP
“What the heck happened?” you ask yourself. Now, YOU’RE the one in hot pursuit of what THEY said (which never materializes)- the promises they made, the declarations of love, etc. Your relationship faucet is spewing cold water, washing away your joy and happiness.
I’ll tell you what happened; they were blinding you with intense emotions, not tried in the fire of taking time to build intimacy. Pump the breaks and repeat after me, “He/She is not King or Queen Midas. So, don’t let them have that golden touch on you!” Point! Blank! Period.
Remember the mythical story of King Midas? Initially, everything he touched initially turned to gold (granting his one misguided wish). One evening he was sitting at a dinner table with delectable food and attempted to eat.
The food (a vital necessity) he touched turned to gold, rendering it not edible. Eventually, this seemingly good gift was NOT ALL THAT.
His “golden touch” actually turned out to be a Golden curse. We must never put someone on a pedestal (especially when they are an EUP).
Sadly, we give our feelings about the wrong people and their feelings about us too much power. Essentially, we start worshiping self-created relationship idols (we can save our worship for The Creator and reserve that for Sunday or whatever day you worship).
Don’t Buy Into The Hype! They’re Only Selling You Unhealthy, Unavailable Patterns
The takeaway? EUPs are expert marketing machines for selling us the bad relationship stuff and making it appear desirable. They’re like pesky marketers who use their buggy marketing persuasion skills to convert us to buy into products and services (that we may not want from them).
EUPs are on par with marketers who are one-trick ponies and rely on Guerilla type marketing techniques. These species of marketing pros “go all in,” and it’s way overdone and annoying at best (just sayin’, in my humble opinion).
Sidebar: Also, for metaphor’s sake, emotionally unavailable partners (EUPs) remind me of Black hat SEO techniques. As I transition into the digital marketing, SEO, and tech worlds, I’m deep learning about the SEO get-rich-quick schemes versus the “take your time” organic search (White-hat SEO methods). “Black hats” are intense with the below-the-margin things they will do to rank a site on the search engine results page (i.e., hidden content keywords, website cloaking, etc.,).
Still, Google’s algorithm will eventually slap your site with a penalty for too much intensity trying to rank for search keyword terms to increase web traffic and visibility (inorganically).
End of sidebar
I digress, though (I know it’s not a digital marketing blog). Now, back to the point? EUPs characteristically rush relationships and feelings like digital marketers who resort to black-hat SEO techniques for quick and fast results that don’t last.
We cannot let these often-unbridled emotions be our chemistry compass. Intensity and passion are just that. Passion drives people to do all sorts of jacked-up things and then justify their outlandish antics.
Think: the plethora of Netflix serial killer and stalker documentaries come to my mind. Yea. All the Jeff Dhamers and Wayne Gasey’s had a lot of “passion” for their evil ways.
Reason # 5: We get a payoff from the high drama of dating someone who is difficult to love
Here’s the sitch (situation). Sometimes we get a yield, a benefit if you will, for keeping up the antics of replaying the pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners (and ignoring the signs).
What’s the payoff? Now, this takes a bit of maturity to “cop to.” Luad knows it took me years to own it, but it’s (drum roll, please)…Dum, duh, dum, dum…duh..we get ATTENTION (albeit negative). Unavailable people have MUCHO problems.
Their problems can keep us super stimulated as we spend hours on the phone with family and friends (rehashing the way they mistreated us, disappointed us, deceived us, and didn’t give us what we wanted.)
We want commitment, and they want to give excuses and for you to fall back and quit bugging them. Yet, if we can’t get the love we desire from them, we sure can get some attention from the chaotic and often painful nature of “the dynamic” we experience with them.
I never used to like to admit this myself, but I can recollect the attention I garnered from my dear family and friends (*sorry* Mom and Grandma). I would constantly fixate on the buffoonery that would go down when I dated or entered a relationship (and I use the term snidely) with an EUP.
Reason # 6: Better the EUP emotionally disconnected demon you know than the one you don’t (Right?)
Wrong! When we keep choosing people who can’t love us back, it comes down to The Classic Art of Settling for A False Sense of Security and Familiarity (Just because it’s what we know). A study from The Journal of Personal and Social Relationships explored a sample of people and why they stayed despite dissatisfaction.
The finding was that people often stay in unhappy relationships 2 because of two mediating factors- fear of change and anxiety (an unhealthy negative emotion) (George T. et al., 2020).
It can be a real kick to your spirit when we unmask the reality that someone we are dating or involved with ticks the dreaded boxes to qualify for being an EUP.
It’s like, “Dang! Now I have to start all over again.” Or, we take it down Lonely Street, give ourselves grief and fret, “Now I have to face being alone” (goodness forbid!).
Tip: Don’t ever fret about being by yourself! If they show signs that they are unavailable, your own company is ALWAYS better than theirs. Trust me.
Wrapping Things Up:
Initially, it can feel like some awful curse is bestowed upon you when you find yourself in a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners. I know it did for me (Been there. Not doing that, No Mo’!) You are not starring in your own horror movie. I promise.
We have agency in the relationship choices we make. Don’t buy the hype; you have reasons to cling to busted-down unhealthy situations and people that distort your self-worth and value.
When we fall into the faulty belief that we “attract”‘ EUPs, we get stuck in a rut of magical thinking. If we think we are “attracting” them, then we can get off easy by resorting to lazy quick fixes to “manifest our desires” (But never getting to the root of the pattern).
For example, standing in the mirror for one hour and repeatedly declaring affirmations like, “I am attracting the partner I want now!” comes to my mind. No, no! We are not soothsayers. You have to do the actual work to assess and evaluate the unhealthy patterns and make healthier choices.
Choosing implies a series of decisions we actively make based on the cognitive data we have downloaded in our belief system about love. Your cognitive data have a virus if you chronically deal with EUPs like an unstoppable COVID variant.
It’s time to cleanse that data and replace it with healthier messages, expectations, and desires to optimize our lives and relationships.
Cheers to you declining the next invitation to waste time engaging with someone that your gut says, “Uh, uh. That’s an EUP. Next, please!”
What are some reasons you insist on choosing the same person different package? Do tell and share! Your thoughts? Comments?
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References:
1. Brumbaugh, C.C., (2007). Transference of Attachment Patterns: How important Relationships Influence Feelings toward Novel people. Journal of the International Association for Relationship Research, volume 12, Issue 4. Abstract Retrieved December 30, 2022 from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2007.00169.x
2. George, T., Hart, J., & Rholes, W. S. (2020). Remaining in unhappy relationships: The roles of attachment anxiety and fear of change. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(5), 1626–1633. Abstract Retrieved December 30, 2022 from https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407520904156
