Why Putting Someone on A Pedestal Is Idolatry: Break Free Now!

As you join me on the Love and Life Antics Blog and courageously embark upon the journey to healing your emotional unavailability, it’s critical to acknowledge the many reasons it’s challenging for us to get over unhealthy people and situations that contribute to our pain. If we are having a hard time moving on, likely we’ve defaulted to the unhealthy habit of putting someone on a pedestal to the high heavens, where they can do no wrong.

This behavior is a spiritual problem inherent to emotionally unhealthy relationship dynamics. They now have a seat of authority in your life, and only God or your higher power should have the rights reserved to sit in an elevated position in your life.

In the long term, this becomes very problematic because we give people way too much power, deifying them instead of placing them appropriately in our lives as fallible human beings.

In this post, we will examine the meaning and pathology of this counterproductive interpersonal behavior, how it manifests itself in relationships and the workplace, and, last but not least, provide an approach to breaking free of the unhealthy shackles of what I coin as People Worship.

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What Does Putting Someone on a Pedestal Mean? The Psychology Explained

Putting someone on a pedestal means your perception of the person is unhealthily distorted, and you have given them a high position of authority in your perception and life.

They get elevated in your mind becoming godlike and infallible because you have regarded them as having a “special authority” to say or do something that can make or break your happiness when instead, your happiness is your responsibility.

Whether it’s an EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner/Person) or a EUP boss or co-worker at your job, this person has a position of authority in your life that they don’t deserve, and it’s time you give them a demotion. 

To break free from emotionally unavailable relationships and toxic interpersonal dynamics, we must stop putting halos on people because they are only human like us. On any given day, the poo from their backside smells just as bad as ours.

Jacen J- Love & Life Antics

I’m a firm believer that emotional unavailability is a psychosocial-spiritual condition. A spiritual aspect of it is that we inadvertently succumb to a form of idolatry-worshipping people. We make the poor decision to show a person way too much respect despite clear indications that they don’t deserve it because they don’t give it to us consistently.  

Furthermore, you likely have to provide them with an instruction manual on Basic Human Decency 101 instead of this being a natural part of their interpersonal skill toolbox.

If you’ve given them this powerful position in your life, you will likely have many dysfunctional reasons for doing so. In my littered unhealthy relationship past, I had many jacked-up reasons for giving people way too much power, and in turn, giving mine away.  

And that’s the truth; there are always reasons we engage in unhealthy behaviors-this rolls into the next section smoothly.

3 Reasons Why We May Put People on Pedestals in Romantic Relationships

1. Because we overinflate the value of the person
   • Everyone has value. But the key here is that we go overboard. We allow this mere mortal to sit on a high platform in the relationship. We see the individual’s level of importance in extreme terms, overestimating the power that they should have in our life. In essence, we are “hyping up” someone who likely is disrespectful to us, minimizes our feelings, takes advantage of us, and takes a great deal from us with little reciprocity, and we need to stop doing this!
   • When we overinflate, we often hang on to an idealized version of someone that does not exist and that they aren’t capable of measuring up to it anyway because they are an EUP.
   • Suppose your gut screams that they are an emotionally unavailable partner, a narcissist, a playa, or a jerk. In that case, it’s a given they will be rail thin on the “relationship goods” and human character required for a solid relationship, and you will be malnourished. 

2. Because we make the person the Soul Source™ of our happiness, offloading too much power into their hands
   • We participate in a self-narrative that says, “They must approve of me, and they should approve of me, and if they don’t, I couldn’t stand it. It would be devastating.” This kind of thinking is rooted in the inability to tolerate not having approval from someone. 

3. Because we are fearful the person will withhold something vital that we’ve convinced ourselves we need for our contentment (i.e., their attention, affection, their time, their text, their phone call, them choosing you to be with), so we hold them with too high regard which creates a power imbalance.

3 Reasons We Put People on Pedestals at Work

1. Because they are authority figures with a title (i.e., boss or supervisor), their status and achievement enamor us. 
   • In 2018, When I decided to move to Florida and skedaddle away from the toxic work environment in NYC (featuring the pill-popping director of a substance use program I worked for), I realized that I had placed my toxic boss on a man-made throne. He had every title and license under the heavens, made the kit and kaboodle of money, and I revered his status (which, in hindsight, was superficial on my part). 
   • There are many affluent people with worldly power but minor characters, so there isn’t a direct correlation between a successful career or high social status and upright character (no need for us to confuse the two. )This is another reason why putting someone on a pedestal is unhealthy.

2. Because they are our bosses, we fear them and give them a parental role while we adopt a child-like position. 
   • Often when he did things to try to sabotage my career, I would revert to a defenseless child-like role like he was my dad (avoiding confronting him because of the weight I gave his status.) Also, I feared being fired (which was a legitimate but inflated concern because the bigger picture was I had already hatched my exit plan to resign, without a flinch, on my terms, when I sensed things becoming unhealthy for me.) 
   • I kept him on a level higher than me, although his character and behavior were toxic. Until one day, I knocked him off the pedestal. Eventually, I leveled the playing field by becoming indifferent to him. He didn’t matter anymore- and that’s how we stop the People Worship – by letting them matter less to us. Poof begone!
   • It’s important to acknowledge when leaders in the workplace are abusing their power and call it! You don’t need to have a showdown with them, but you can knock them off their high horse. Accomplish this by honestly acknowledging how sad, defective, and ineffective they are in their position of power.

3. Because if we don’t hold our bosses or co-workers in such high regard (who don’t deserve it), we have to see the truth about who they really are-shifty, mean-spirited, backstabbing, and a Gas Lighter (fill in the dodgy character trait here). This reality may trigger feelings of intense disappointment (that we would rather avoid).
   • We highly value showing up to the workplace and having a good work ethic and professionalism.  However, just because we strive to operate healthily and with character doesn’t mean others will rise to the occasion. Accepting the reality that some bosses unfairly abuse their power or co-workers who can be flip at the mouth with us and disrespectful can be a tough pill and a big fat letdown.

What Happens When You Put Someone on a Pedestal?

Since this mere human has been elevated to heavenly places in your mind, what happens next is your perception of them becomes unhealthily skewed. We make them like an immortal flawless god (like they hold the planet earth in their hand and are immune to errors.)

The byproduct will be ignoring their imperfections, any janky character traits, and justifying any messed-up behavior they engage in with you. The great psychologist Sigmund Freud referred to this process as idealization, when we over-emphasize the “good parts” about someone.

He viewed this as a defense mechanism. Perhaps this is because when someone idealizes a person or an object, they are protecting themselves from the “bad” about someone to stem their disappointment about the person not being perfect.

Minimizing their faults allows them to slowly chip away at your boundaries (or quickly knock them down depending on how wildly improper their character is) and mistreat you without consequences as they sit on a mighty throne on high.

You’ll begin to doubt your judgment about clearly inappropriate behavior in your relationship interactions (e.g., the lying, the disrespect, the putdowns, the cheating, the manipulating, and the deception of it all).

The Dangers of Worshipping People: My First-hand Experience

Throughout my journey in EUP (Emotionally Unavailable Partner/People) Land, one of the dysfunctional relationship behaviors I mastered was inflating people’s worth above my idolizing and idealizing them. I would create People Pedestals in my romantic relationships and at work. It rarely failed.

This unhealthy dynamic is all too characteristic in relationships with EUPs. I know from experience that in unhealthy relationships and work environments, we often assign a great deal of weight to someone who is likely rail thin on character and mistreats us. Then we stay instead of planning a healthy escape from the mess.

I discuss this in great detail in the premier Love and Life Antics post about the importance of planning a graceful exit from unhealthy situations.

Glorification of a shoddy person was prominent in my relationship with the EUP I coin as SMS (Soul Mate Speech)- the one who gave me my Relationship AHA Moment (which brought me to my knees in emotional agony.)

This person became godlike to me to the point that I would get mistreated, know deep down the behavior was inappropriate, but doubt my reality about the shifty-arsed antics. I opted to stick it out essentially bargaining with my sanity (because I overvalued everything about them.)

Unqualified people would become demigods to me. I would allow them to determine when the Sunshine of Happiness would rise and set- all based on this person’s approval or disapproval of me. Not no more though!

A prime feature of emotional unavailability is making someone’s acceptance or rejection of us the end-all-be-all of our existence- this unwisely places them in an exalted divine position and us beneath them.

Jacen J-Love & Life Antics- The Love and Life Blog

Furthermore, instead of being disappointed (a healthy negative emotion) that things didn’t work out with the person or disappointed for having a jerk for a boss, I would become devastated (an unhealthy negative emotion), which would control my happiness meter. 

This approach was a big no-no because I inadvertently participated in People Worship by allowing someone to have power over me. Only God or your higher power serves that position!

How to Stop Putting People on Pedestals

Rant Switch ON!

The very people whom you think have the power to give or take away your happiness, all while treating you like poo from the bottom of their shoes, will lose their power over you and deflate when you tap into your power. Stop treating people as idols putting them on a pedestal higher than you!

It’s at this point you can decide to meet them with the one thing that will level things- the great equalizer of detachment- that’s how you stop the madness of seating people in high places above you! Feel free to mix in a dash of indifference; this will also get the job done. The way you stop this bad habit is by taking a philosophical shift. 

When you knock folk off of their People Pedestals, the person that seems to be the source of your happiness and the source of your pain suddenly becomes a non-factor to you.

Jacen J- Love & Life Antics

If you are losing sleep at night, racking your brain about folks’ crazy-making behavior, and getting black circles underneath your eyes over folk of the shady variety with minor characters. In that case, it’s time to get to a place where it’s “No Whoots Given!” Period.

When you decide to detach, you step out of the role of a child groveling for approval from people who just won’t and can’t give it. Instead, you tap up your power and step into the role of a grown adult, who has options and decides what and who is responsible for your happiness- YOU!

Use Detachment and Indifference to Stop Putting People On Pedestals

When you choose to detach, this “Oh So Great Person” or thing that used to mean so much begins to collapse into the reality of whom they are- NOT almighty and powerful, because they are flesh and blood just like you. 

When you are indifferent, you don’t care too much.  They now lose their power over your life because you have determined they are a non-factor in their ability to influence your happiness.

People who withhold approval and validation from you because tehy disagreed with you have setting boundaries or voicing concerns can no longer influence you to conform to their selfish agendas . Why? Because now you don’t care about them and don’t give a WHATEVER about them.

Often when we have deep-rooted core beliefs of “I am not good enough” or “I must earn approval,” we will allow certain people in our lives to sit on pedestals.  Unfortunately, these are often the folk who mistreat or exploit us.

-Jacen J- www.loveandlifeantics.com

Typically, this Power Imbalance Dynamic won’t be apparent until some critical event occurs (or series of them).  This critical event will undoubtedly involve them overstepping the line of respect, bestowing upon you some mistreatment, boundary violation/s, or other shady and abusive behavior.

It becomes evident that this person doesn’t have your best interest at heart.  From the jump, they were being unrealistic and insincere about you and the relationship, despite their seeming initial approval of you.

It usually goes something like this, once upon a time, you could do no wrong when things were going well, but if there is a blip or a ruffle, toxic folk will need to shift the blame to you because they like to skip accountability.

Welcome!  You are now scapegoated and become the problem.  You aren’t the problem at all, but the DYNAMIC is the problem.   It’s the dysfunctional dynamics that toxic folk create that’s the problem.

When we are insecure, we enable the unhealthy dynamic instead of making a swift exit and trusting that this person means no good thing (caution: don’t fall into victimhood because you have more power in this than you think).

Because of our inner checker, our internal GPS (Gut Positioning System™), the unhealthy dynamic will register to us on a soul level as “something doesn’t feel right” and is harmful.

Demote the Person on the High Pedestal from Hero to Zero

Instead of trusting ourselves, we may doubt our judgment of The Real Them because if we admit how truly janky they are, we may have to knock them off their pedestal and make some uncomfortable decisions about how we deal with them in our lives. We are afraid to have to go there, hit eject, and will have to scoot them out of our life.

Ironically, the decision not to deal with them will be most effective because these people are often highly narcissistic and resistant to change. Sometimes we must keep it simple when people pull outlandish behavior in relationships (from romantic to family to business).

So, let’s keep this simple. 

When people show you who they are, you need to BELIEVE THEM. And, if you have someone on a pedestal, it’s time to give them a demotion from Hero in your life to a Zero. That’s all. It’s not that complicated, so don’t complicate things. 

Just make the adjustments you need to make about the image they presented you with and whom you thought they were, then start preparing to make your exit stage left, stage right, stage front, stage back, basically whatever exit you can find. Hurry!

Initially, this may sound rigid and mean, but no negotiations are necessary regarding people valuing you and treating you with respect. If they can’t and won’t, get to walking and quit talking. No discussions. 

And no, you are not being mean. You are being strong and taking an assertive stance against mess.

I’m all about flexibility and learning to build our level of tolerance for adversity in life, but there is such a thing as being over-tolerant of people’s garbage.

Putting a Halo Above Their Head Convinces Them It’s Okay to Mistreat You and Look Down on You

When you fail to question or challenge someone’s mistreatment of you, you make them an authority in your life, put them on a pedestal, and give them cart Blanche to mess you over without objection.

These people will then (through manipulation) convince you that they know you better than you know yourself and will assign themselves as an authority in your life.

We can also consciously or unconsciously set a person with a jacked-up character as an authority figure in our life and resurrect an altar of false people worship for this person (this person may represent a reactivation of our unfinished business).

They are not the end-all-be-all, and they don’t have that much power over you. You have control over yourself, so don’t hand it away to someone who doesn’t have the bare essentials of human decency.

CUT IT OUT!

The people we assign as almighty and powerful have supersized egos cultivated in the Garden of Shadiness™. They will bestow you with approval and praise when you are in their good graces, but their support has a hook and comes at a price. The price is YOU!

They will then take away their approval and admiration when you make a mistake or you try to set a boundary for your well-being. Also, they will perceive you as “difficult” or “inconvenient” because you are disrupting the flow of their selfish motives by not wholly complying with their foolishness. 

You are now a pain in their bum if you won’t comply and roll with their program (even if going along with their program means your boundaries get jacked, your self-esteem has to take potshots, or you no longer recognize yourself because you have to alter your entire being to suit them)

You have now become an inconvenient layover on their ego trip. When we have core beliefs of not being good enough, we will vie for approval from people with jacked-up characters who are mean, cruel, or just plain old nasty. 

Knock the Person Off of Their Ego-Tripping Pedestal Throne

In this interpersonal dynamic of people glorification, there is always one party who gets uplifted, on a throne, to the high heavens. They sit in all their glory on a People Pedestal because we put them there. At the same time, those around them are loyal subjects- this is a ripe breeding ground for exploitative and emotionally/physically abusive relationship dynamics to form. 

Often when people are on pedestals, there is an undercurrent of abusive dynamics behind the scenes. This person sitting on their Ego Trippin’ Throne has chronic avoider syndrome and will go on to do jaw-dropping things, pretend that problems don’t exist, or that their mistreatment of you didn’t happen.

The next time you are faced with someone withholding approval or validation, after seemingly being on your side, as if you could do no wrong, and then suddenly shapeshifting into a python sinking their fangs into you, see them for WHO THEY ARE. SHADY, Mean Spirited, with Funky Character!

Then, ACT IN YOUR BEST INTEREST. Get out of victim mode and get away from them with an Olympic sprinter’s swiftness.

If you dig deep into this person’s backstory, you will likely find they have significant problems with others. You are not the first to receive their crap; unfortunately, you won’t be the last.

Don’t internalize people’s mess! Instead, meet them with detachment and indifference.

Often these people will control and manipulate others because they feel incompetent or out of control in some area of their personal life (or many areas). Please don’t become a pawn in their twisted pathology!

Wrapping Things Up:

It’s time to dismantle the power we allow people to have over us so that we can have more balanced, healthy relationships, meet people as an equal, and have peace of mind.

If someone seems greater than life to you, they have become puffed up and inflated in your perception. Shady individuals will use the power you give them as energy to feed their super-sized egos.

Detachment and indifference will be the two things that will pop them right down to size without you having to do ANYTHING at all. 

Remember, these people mean NOTHING if they are mistreating you, abusing you, or just fighting unfairly with you and then trying to convince you that their treatment of you is routine. IT IS NOT.

See them for who they are, then shrug your shoulders because you no longer care. Let’s heal our spiritual self, stop worshipping people, and start worshipping the Creator who made them.

They aren’t God or a Higher Power! Stop treating them like it, and take back your power. They aren’t that important in the bigger picture of your life unless you make them that important. Hopefully, you can see why putting someone on a pedestal is a form of idolatry and a self-defeating way to approach relationships.

RANT SWITCH OFF!

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